I know that an inordinate number of my posts have lately made reference to boys’ pieces-parts. It isn’t because I have a perverse interest in such things. Rather, it’s because when you have boy children, their bits are always getting them into some sort of trouble. It’s just always there, in the way, tempting them to mischief. And sometimes it even gets them into trouble without their knowledge or consent.
When Reagan was three, he drank a lot of milk. And even more apple juice. A lot of apple juice. Like a quart a day. Yes, yes, I know. That’s a lot of sugar. You don’t need to tell me about the damage that so much sugar can do to a kid’s teeth, etc….But I bet I can tell you something about it that you didn’t know.
Apple Juice….A Cautionary Tale
One day, as I was getting him up and dressed for daycare, I noticed that Reagan had a case of, not sure how I can put this delicately….but his little bits were standing at attention—like a little toy soldier.
Now, the first time I ever noticed this, I was freaked out. I grew up in a house full of girls, so I didn’t know much about those things but I thought I knew enough….Why would a toddler have this, um, situation? I thought this was reserved for males that had reached a certain level of maturity—and/or had bikini posters in their room. Not for my baby boy, still sleeping with his teddy bear.
But this was not the first time, and by now I was used to this “condition”, had figured out it was normal, and no longer questioned my prenatal choices—had I eaten too many eggs, and not enough fruit?? So as usual, I got him “situated” in his pull-ups, and dressed, and off we went. Ninety minutes later, as we neared his daycare, he was attempting to stand up in the car, grabbing at his snappy-crotched jeans, and looking generally uncomfortable…So I pulled off the road, into a parking lot, and he popped up out of his seat like a jack-in-the-box. He was doing this odd little dance, squirming around, and doing more ball-handling than Jose Canseco. So, I dropped his drawers only to discover, to my horror, that his little soldier was still at attention. I am not a boy, and never was, but I felt certain that this was not normal, and probably wasn’t a good thing. I mean, I don’t even want to do something that feels good for an hour and a half, so I was pretty sure this was not a desirable condition for a toddler.
I drove past the daycare, and to the emergency room at the Children’s Hospital. His triage was curiously short, which should have told me that there was reason for concern. But he still seemed pretty happy, just as long as nothing was touching his bits and pieces. After a while, they hooked his bits up to a plastic bag. Actually, they outfitted him with an adult sized one, as they had run out of pediatric bags. Then they plied him with popcicles and Gatorade in an attempt to see if his pipes were working properly. Waiting. More Gatorade. More waiting. More Gatorade. Then finally, the flood gates burst wide open and this tiny child tinkled enough to overflow an adult sized bag. Almost immediately, his soldier was at ease, and he was happy and comfortable again.
He was released, but had to return the next day to be catheterized. He had to drink that funky radioactive liquid, so that they could make sure his pipes were functioning properly, and that there were no obstructions or damage from the previous day’s festivities. As he was laying on that x-ray table, with a tube stuck up where a tube should not be, and I was made to stand behind the protective glass window 10 feet away, he reached his little hand out towards me, and I heard him cry “I love you , Mommy”…..There was lots of sobbing, and crying. But I stopped after a while. He was just fine, and no worse for the wear.
Thankfully, he got a clean bill of health.
As traumatic as the ordeal was for me—it was nothing compared to my shock when I learned the cause. Apple juice. Did you hear me? APPLE JUICE!
Apparently, his consumption of apple juice led him to develop little sugar crystals in his kidneys. So, in effect, my baby was passing kidney stones. And while these little crystals were trying to pass, his little bits were in a constant state of stimulation, causing his predicament. From that day forward, his apple juice was diluted 50/50 with water.
Over the years, as the story has been told, and retold, men hearing it all have the same reaction. Cringe-inducing, wouldn’t you think?
Nope, not quite. Usually they look over at their wives and say “Honey, go buy me a bunch of apple juice!”
Cider Braised Pork Roast and Vegetables
Cider Glazed Pork, Parsnips and Carrots
Serves 8
- ¼ cup olive oil
- 1 3-4 pound pork loin roast
- 6 carrots, peeled
- 4-6 parsnips, peeled
- 1 small onion, chopped
- 1 T salt
- 1 T coarse black pepper
- 4 cups apple cider
- 2 cups water
Heat oil in a large, oven proof dutch oven over medium high heat. Sprinkle roast liberally with salt and pepper, pressing in with your palms. Place meat in hot oil, and brown on all sides. Add vegetables and liquids. Place in 250* oven for 6 hours, or until meat is tender. Remove from oven, and place meat and vegetables on a platter. Slice meat. Bring juices to boil over high heat, and simmer until reduced a bit. Serve over the meat and veg.
French Onion Soup, With Gruyere
French Onion Soup
Serves 8
- ¼ cup olive oil, plus 1 T for croutons
- 2 large white onions, thinly sliced
- 2 large red onions, thinly sliced
- 2 large yellow onions, thinly sliced
- 2 cloves mashed garlic
- 2 shallots, finely sliced
- 2 t salt
- 2 t coarsely ground pepper
- 1 T sugar
- 2 cups apple cider
- 32 oz beef stock
- 1 pound grated Gruyere cheese
- 8 slices of stale French bread
Place ¼ cup olive oil in large no-stick stock pot, and heat over medium-low heat. Add onions, garlic, shallots, salt, pepper and sugar. Slowly sweat the onions until they are soft, and starting to carmelize. This should take at least an hour. The flavors that develop during this time cannot be rushed by cooking at a higher heat, so do take your time to do it right. Once they are browned and the juice is carmelized and mostly dry, add the cider and beef stock. Increase heat to medium, and bring to a slow simmer. Simmer for about 30 minutes.
To make the croutons, brush both sides of bread slices with olive oil. Bake in 250* oven for 20 minutes on each side, and remove to cool.
To serve, ladle soup into mugs or soup crocks, and top with one crouton. Sprinkle cheese over tops and broil in oven for 2-3 minutes until browned and bubbly. Serve immediately.
Texana's Kitchen 
Well, if that isn’t a scary story! I have only girls and grew up with only girls but I would imagine we also get the crystals in the kidneys, just no outward warning of impending trouble. I always diluted their apple juice because of the sugar thing, thank goodness!
Your pork and onion soup both look divine and the perfect use of apple cider!
Great recipe. Your Boys are gonna make you pay one of these days! Hahaha!
Oh, Lance..they’ve paid it forward many a time…..
Learned something new again. Thanks.
Ahahahaa omg girl….you always have the like….biggest stories. That totally scare the crap out of me!
Kayle, I would tell you to pray for girl babies, but the truth is, even with all the penis shenanigans, boys are much, much easier…..
pshhh I disagree 😛 My mom does too-she’ll rave to anyone how much easier girls are lol. But it seems to be a matter of opinion, I’ve noticed people are widely divided on the subject
Another informational piece laced with your usual humor and artistic verbiage. Can’t decide if I like the stories or the recipes better. Trying the onion soup today!
Oh, thanks….the best part about the stories is that they’re all true. The best part about the recipes is eating them…now that I’m thinking about it, I may make the soup today also…
I don’t know how guys live with those things! haha And I will make the pork recipe this week! Yum!!
I would never have thought of putting apple juice in either one of those dishes!
When the kids were little I was told not to give them apple juice until they were older, but nobody ever seemed to know why not. Now I know!
What a title! I would say anything that keeps the plumbing clean keeps the Viagra away. Whole grains, beans, vegetables, fruits, nuts, little alcohol and no sugary drinks. That French Onion soup will do the trick, because cooked onions thin the blood. Nice post!
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Just discovered your blog and I love it! Great story nice to know that he is ok. Stop by and say hi 🙂
hi,
thanks for sharing. very informative. i learned something new today.
regards,
Mel