Since there is no Rosetta Stone or Pimsleur program available for you in learning Texan, I am offering this training to you free of charge.
If you are planning on travelling or moving to Texas, you will need to study up on the language and customs. You know, just like you would if you were visiting any other country.
It isn’t that you will offend someone if you shake with the wrong hand, or slurp your soup at the dinner table. It’s that if you don’t understand a few things, you won’t be able to order food, understand directions, or blend in seamlessly to your new environment.
I will cover the 4 basic topics of Culture (Livin’), Clothing (Wearin’), Language (Talkin’), and Cuisine (Eatin’).
Livin’:
This could take up volumes, so I’ll reduce it to its basest elements. The “Texas Code” has appeared in one form or another for many years. One version was made famous in a Frost Bank commercial in the late 90’s. My version, which hangs on the wall in my bedroom, pretty much sums up the ideals by which a Texan strives to live thusly:
I’ll be as hearty of mind as I am of body.
I’ll be a straight shooter and a square dealer.
I’ll honor my mama, my daddy,
and my God.
My family name will be sacred and
my word will be as good as any contract.
I’ll remember the Alamo,
Buy American,
stick by my friends and
eat more chicken fried steak.
Oh, and the only two sports you need to know about are Football (Friday Night Lights) and Rodeo.
Yes, that’s a real bull. Yes, it’s stuffed.
Mad Max The Rodeo Clown
And hunting isn’t a sport, it’s a way of life….
The Next Generation
Wearin’:
Men only really need jeans, several pairs of cowboy boots (only made in America), plain white t-shirts, and button down shirts. You can change your look from casual to business attire simply by switching from a baseball cap to a cowboy hat.
The hubs and I……Isn’t he handsome in his cowboy hat?
For formal events, a Texas Tux will usually suffice. This involves the wearing of a tuxedo shirt and black tails on top, over jeans and boots on bottom. A black felt or silver belly cowboy hat should finish it off. You may or may not choose to have your bow tie and cummerbund match your sweetheart’s dress.
My sister, my son, and my photo-bombing husband…
Swimming attire would include trunks—never speedo type apparel. Boots may still be worn, or flip-flops.
Or maybe these:
For women, the same wardrobe would apply here as anywhere, except that American made boots are always an acceptable choice of footwear. Even for brides, at proms, and in a bikini on the beach. Any outfit that cannot be worn with boots just ought not be worn at all. After all, we must protect our legs from mosquitos, cacti, and rattlesnakes.
Sandals are acceptable when you wish to show off a new pedicure.
King Ranch handbags make acceptable accessories.
Talkin’:
First of all, we drop the “g” off of most words that end in “ing”. Not when we write ‘em, but when we say ‘em. And like I just illustrated, we drop some baggage off the front end of words like “them”. We don’t do this because we are stupid. We do it to save time. Because we tend to be chatty. The more letters and syllables we can drop, the more words we can get into a conversation in the time we have.
For example, if a visitor in New York asks a local how to get to Main Street, they might hear “What do I look like? A goddamn road map?” I’m not trying to slight the many lovely New Yorkers I know, it’s just that this is a true story..that actually happened…in real life.
I am also not saying that it couldn’t happen in Texas. It’s just not likely that it would.
When asking the same question in Texas, what is likely to happen is that you might hear:
“well, just go yonder about 2 miles, and then turn right at the Wilson place..you know Billy Ray never did get that little gal from Sweet Water to marry him…Then go about ½ mile fuh-ther to that big oak tree, you know the one that Old Man Johnson parked his tractor in a few years back, you can still see the green paint…take a slight left there, and about 3 miles more will take you right to it, quick as that….”
Also for the sake of economy, we may run words together, making one word where 5 used to be:
“checkthawlferya”—Often spoken by the lanky feller at the full service gas station, he is asking if he can check the oil for you.
“fixintuh”–preparing to, getting ready to…..as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store” As a noun, a fixin’ is a side dish to your supper.
Some years back, I was the newly hired HR Manager at a Home Depot. I was being trained by a peer that wasn’t from here. One of the department heads, Robert, popped in to say he was going for lunch, as he was starved and hadn’t eaten all day. What seemed a very short time later, he popped back by my door, and the following exchange took place:
I looked up and said “Djeetyet?”
To which he replied ”yeah, I just grabbed a subway and came back”
“cool….see ya later”
My HR peer looked at me and asked what I had said to Robert. I didn’t get what she didn’t get, so I said
“Huh? You mean ‘see you later’?…”
“no, not that….he came in and you said something to him and he said he had just grabbed a subway….what did you say to him?”
I really had to think hard, as I could not imagine what was so perplexing…
I looked at her and said “Djeetyet?”
“YES!”she said, “THAT!”…..”what did you say just then?”
So I looked at her, and spoke very, very slowly, enunciating my words very clearly, so that she might understand.
“Did…….you…….eat……..yet?”
Texan is a hard language to learn, apparently……
Also, we LOVE the imagery of a good analogy or other comparative statement:
“He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs”
“That’ll go over like a toot in Church”
“He was busy as a one-legged man in a butt kickin’ contest”
“Rode hard and put away wet”….When you are done riding a horse, the sweat should be dried off of him before he is turned out (particularly in cold weather), lest he catch a cold. If someone says you look like you’ve been rode hard and put away wet, he is not paying you a compliment.
Reagan and Cherry Pie
“Been all over Hell and half of Texas”….This means that you have covered a huge area—done a lot of travelling. Obviously….Since Hell is infinity huge, and Texas is even bigger.
Eatin’
You’ll need to understand a few basic terms to get by in Texas.
BBQ—to cook large pieces of meat “low and slow” over indirect heat or hot smoke. Brisket, ribs, half chickens, pork roasts and whole hogs are examples of BBQ. Hamburgers and hot dogs are NOT barbecue. In Texas, the Holy Grail of BBQ is the brisket. Expect great debate over which type of wood makes the best BBQ. I like mesquite.
Beans—The only kind of beans are pinto beans. Cooked with bacon or salt pork, and beer. They may also have onion, jalapeno, Rotel and cilantro. Beans are never sweet and sticky.
Chili—this NEVER comes out of a can, and does NOT have beans in it. (please note however, that wars have been fought over the beans versus no beans opinion) If it is made correctly, it will clear your sinuses for days.
Coke—This is a carbonated beverage of any variety. For example:
“While yer in there, can you get me a coke?”
“Sure, what kind?”
“A Grape Crush”.
If you actually want a Coke, you order a Co-cola.
Real Men Drink Coke Straight Up
Gravy—It is white, it is thick, and it is flecked with pepper. It may be tan if made with pan drippings, but otherwise is never brown and smooth. If you get smooth, brown, shiny gravy in a Texas establishment, the proprietor is a Yankee. Not that there’s anything wrong with that–but it’s a geographical fact.
Grill—to cook over direct heat at higher temperatures. Much faster than BBQ. Hamburgers and hot dogs are grilled, as are steaks, vegetables, chicken breasts and seafood.
Smoke—to cook or dry meat using warm or cold smoke. The process can take hours or days, drying the meat to preserve it. Jerkey, bacon, ham and dried sausage are examples.
Tea—Calling it sweet tea or iced tea is redundant. Tea is always iced and always sweet. If you want it otherwise, you have to ask for it special.
********************************************************************************
Few foods are as quintessentially Texan as brisket, chili, or chicken fried steak, but there are a few.
King Ranch Chicken is a popular casserole said to have originated on the famously ginormous King Ranch. It is best described as being like a chicken enchilada casserole, made with chopped cooked chicken, corn tortillas, cheese, and a cream of mushroom soup base. But like any other dish, every family makes theirs a little bit differently.
Not knowing for sure what I am putting in my mouth with canned soup, I make mine using a homemade base instead.
I hope you enjoy….
Texas Gold–King Ranch Chicken
Scratch Made King Ranch Chicken
Serves 8
- 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
- 1 stick butter
- 1 each red, yellow and green bell pepper, diced
- 1 cup flour
- 1 can evaporated milk
- 1 quart whole milk
- 2 cans Ro-tel diced tomatoes and green chilies
- 1 cup corn
- 3 teaspoons salt, or to taste
- 2 teaspoons black pepper, or to taste
- 1 package (20 count) corn tortillas, torn into quarters • 1 large onion, chopped
- 8 cups shredded cheddar cheese
Cook the chicken breasts by simmering in water or stock until done. (Alternately, you may use a rotisserie chicken from the grocery deli).
Shred the meat and set aside.
Heat butter in a Dutch oven or stock pot over medium-high heat. Add peppers and sauté until softened, about 4 minutes. Whisk in the flour…It will be very stiff. Add evaporated milk, a little at a time, whisking to keep it smooth. Repeat with whole milk.
Add ro-tel, corn, salt and pepper. Mixture should be the consistency of a thick cream soup. Add additional milk or flour if needed to attain that. Adjust salt and pepper to your preference.
Place one cup of sauce in bottom of a lasagna pan or 5 quart casserole.
Place one layer of torn tortillas, sprinkle 1/4th of the chicken, 1/4th of the onion, and 1 cup of the cheese. Repeat with remaining ingredients.
Pour remaining sauce over the top, and then top with remaining cheese.
Bake at 350* until cheese is golden and bubbling. Serve with Borracho (drunk) Beans and a green salad.
The Little Black Dress of Texas Cuisine
Borracho Beans
These are served with anything in Texas.
Serves 12
- 1 pound bacon, chopped
- 1 medium white onion, chopped
- 4 cloves garlic, crushed
- 1 diced fresh jalapeno
- 2 pounds dried pinto beans
- 2 cans Rotel diced tomatoes and green chilies
- 1 cup packed cilantro, chopped
- 24 oz. beer (Lonestar, of course)
- Salt, to your taste
In a Dutch oven or stock pot over medium high heat, cook bacon just until crisp. Add onion, garlic and jalapeno. Sauté for three minutes. Stir in the dried beans, and cover with hot water to 2 inches above the beans. Cover the pot, and bring to a simmer for an hour and half. Check the pot periodically, adding just enough water to cover.
After an hour and a half, add remaining ingredients and bring to simmer again. Cover and simmer for another hour and half. Adjust seasonings to taste. Serve as a side to anything, or as a meal with homemade cornbread.
Texas Co-Cola Sheet Cake
Texas Co-Cola Sheet Cake
The quintessential Texas dessert. In a nod to the heavy Mexican influence in the State, cinnamon is usually added, but you can omit if you wish.
Cake
- 2 cups flour
- 2 cups sugar
- 1 tsp. salt
- 2 sticks butter
- 1 cup coca cola
- 3 Tbs. cocoa powder
- 2 eggs
- 1 ½ tsp. baking soda
- 2/3 cup buttermilk
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- 1 tsp. ground cinnamon, if desired
Frosting
- 1 ½ cups coarsely chopped pecans
- 1 stick butter
- 3 Tbs. cocoa powder
- ½ cup milk
- 1 pound powdered sugar
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- 1/2 tsp. cinnamon, optional
Preheat an oven to 350°F.
Place pecans in a baking pan, and toast for 8 minutes. Remove and set aside.
Grease an 11×17 cake pan.
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, salt and baking soda.
In a saucepan, combine the butter, cola, and cocoa powder over medium high heat. Stir while mixture comes to a boil. Pour over flour mixture, and mix just until combined.
Whisk in buttermilk, eggs, vanilla and cinnamon.
Pour into greased cake pan, and bake for 28 minutes.
When the cake is almost done, make the frosting.
In a saucepan, melt the butter, milk and cocoa powder together. When almost boiling, remove from heat and add the remaining ingredients. Pour the warm frosting over the warm cake, and allow to cool.
Texana's Kitchen 
I’m a misplaced Okie who loves all the food you’ve featured here. It’s making me hungry. Yum.
I’m not gonna lie…I would wrestle a tornado right now for a piece of the sheet cake….
no doubt!
You crack me up, thanks for the Texas lesson 😛
Also-there is no “main street” in NYC….jus sayin (I totally do give people directions though, when I can!) 😀
Kayle…that example was actually my dad’s business partner who was travelling on business some years ago. He stopped and asked a street vendor where some street was (it wasn’t Main–that was just for illustrative purposes). That was how the vendor responded to him. Made even worse by the fact that the street was one block further up from where he was standing at the time.
But wait….The biggest city in the US of A doesn’t have a Main Street? That’s inconceivable (doing my best Wallace Shawn/Princess Bride voice)
Just a bit of a correction, when my partner asked for directions, it was said, “do I look like an f-ing roadmap”. Excuse my French for the correction.
Sweet. Even better.
yeah that sounds like some people. Meanies. *huff*
Christine, I just sent this column to my childhood friend who is Texan but has chosen to live and die in Vienna, Va. I am trying to keep her in touch with her Texas roots.
well done!
Reblogged this on Luvmycoupons and commented:
I’m definetlly trying this. Looks delicious.
Thanks!
I agree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve written here. ‘Ceptin’ my Texas sheet cake doesn’t have coke. But I can see where that would be a fine addition so I’ll let it slide. Great post, Christine, and a much-needed public service message.
Yeah, my Texas Sheet Cake didn’t used to have coke…but my son wanted to try a coca cola cake, and all of the ones I saw were so similar to my Texas Sheet Cake that I just used my recipe and tweaked it.
Texas really is a whole nuther country!
omg…….I seriously want a pair of those boot/sandles, and the King Ranch Chicken looks amazing. I will be trying your recipe in the near future.
You pretty much hit it right on the head in describing how we are. Isn’t it great!!
I can’t imagine being from any other country! 😀
This is the best post I’ve read in a long time. There is a lot in common between Texas and the Northern Territory of Australia.
Gary…I KNOW. My BFF lives in Australia–I’ve given much thought to moving over there and opening a Texas restaurant.
You’d do well. I figure people who live near the equator are the coolest. Boots, jeans, steaks and BBQ plus big dangerous animals. In the NT you go piggin’ with a dog and a knife. Guns are for the weak when piggin’. Croc shootin’ tho is ok.
I approve of your phot bombing husband – good job on him!
Yeah…he’s good people. I just added a photo of he and I..so people could see him.
I hate you. You always make me hungry. As I’m movin right now, I shan’t be cooking for a few days. However, great rundown of us. And lovely pics of me and my babies and y’all and Ashtyn. And for your Aussie friend…proper hogging is always down with a knife and a good dog! Though I, myself, prefer a deer rifle, lol. And also to him….do NOT encourage them to move!!! The 2.5 hour distance is enough. Which reminds me, sister, a staple of Texanhood you didn’t mention is we measure distance in time not length 😛
Yes….Austin to Midland is 4.5 hours, not 300 miles…but if you attempt the drive after dark, be prepared to stop and walk around for a bit, so the trip becomes 5 hours.
Good lord, you know how to make a girl hungry…and those cowboy flip flops were hilarious!
Im so doing that to my next throw away pair of boots….
That’s how trends get started, you know…
The food looks great and I appreciate the ideas, but the writing is fabulous! 😀
Thanks! I try to offer a little somthin’ for everybody!
Thanks for a great post about Texas culture. I lived in Texas for a short time during college, but also grew up about 50 miles north of the Texas panhandle. Deep in the heart of cowboy country.
Yep! NUTHIN’ in the panhandle but cowboys and roughnecks! God I love it there! 😉
Christine, I just LOVE the cowboy sandals!! And as usual, you’ve landed me with a bunch of recipes to try…yum yum…then again, I still need to try out your (red) gravy from a few posts ago. After all, here in South Jersey, red is the only proper color for gravy to come in 😉
Yes! And the best Sunday Gravy DOES come from Jersey!
Oh Lordy, I’m from Texas but got transplanted and add beans to my chili now. As Texans would say to me, “Bless her heart, she means well…” And we all know that’s a pleasant lead into some gossip,, and probably not nice, lol! I love your blog, I’m so glad I found you! xo
Haha! Yes, I was going to put the translation for “bless her heart” in the post—-but since it involves the F bomb, I refrained….
Well, now I feel enlightened. Except…I don’t really care for chicken fried steak. Will they still let me in?
That does not compute!!!! Maybe, if you at least embrace brisket and chili….
I LOVE this blog! TALK ABOUT AN FAQ about Texas and TEXANS! I’ve been a TEXAN all my life, and have been hard-pressed to explain things to my Carolina and Ohio relatives! Now, before they head this way, I’m going to have them log-in here, and I’ll answer anything AFTER they’ve read this! Loved it! Can’t wait to read more!
You might also send them a few Lyle Lovett songs….HE does a pretty good job of summing it all up.
ha! ha! AMEN! I miss Texas. I grew up in Houston, and although I lost my drawl and ya’ll when I move to Florida, I miss the great folks and great food of the Lone Star State. Don’t mess with MY Texas!
Amen, Sister! At least you were used to the humidity when you moved to Florida!
Very cute post. Who were the University of Texas fans we saw hire at the USC v University of Texas game at the Rose Bowl in big hair and high heels trying to navigate the grass parking lot? . =)
I’m not sure….I’m an Aggie….Gig ‘Em
Christine, come on down to the Sourthern Hemisphere. We could open an American, Southern and Soul Restaurant together!!
Good stuff. And all very true. What about ‘do-whut?’ Any background on that word/phrase you could share?
I remember my wife in New Jersey being honked at by a New Yorker (one of thousands who traveled to our beach town every summer weekend.) She threw the car in park, got out and stormed toward the driver of the other car. The two of them exchanged loud f-bombs and other words that I didn’t understand. They ended their impromptu conversation with ‘f*** you!’ and ‘f*** you too!’ — When she got back into the car, I warned her about such behavior when we moved back to Texas. ‘Honey, that was all fine and dandy. But if you do that in Texas, someone’s going to blow your ass away, and they’ll be hailed as a hometown hero.’
Ahahaha! Yes, I can see the headline now: Loudmouth Yankee Hoodlum Dead, Local Boy A Hero
I realized tonight that I also left off “boy howdy” and “hoo boy”…..
By the way, if you prefer mesquite barbecue, it’s only because you don’t know any better. Mesquite is great for quick grilling, but pecan (our state tree) is superior to all other woods when it comes to barbecuing and smoking.
I’ll give you that..I do love pecan, and applewood too. But growing up in South Texas, mesquite was all we could get, so I developed an affinity.
mesquite is the best! so there
I’ll have to haul a truckload down there for you, I suppose. 🙂
Now that I’m in Boerne, we have more oak than anything…..but I’m guessing with Seguin so close, I ought to be able to procure pecan nearby….
Once in Colorado, I grilled chicken over pine. Not good. So much resin. I was only 20, though…
Oak is good. Hickory (oak) is even better. You grilled over pine? Lol.. That’s almost as funny as the time you fell off the speaker …
I KNOW! Man, it was nasty…..
And it did not even smell good cooking….I’m surprised I didn’t get sick.
Thanks for the lesson, that may prove very helpful in the near future. Will try the chicken, looks delicious 😉
Os as my wise old grandmother used to say, “If you’re not a Texan, you can’t understand. If you are a Texan, you can’t explain.”
Hahaha, informative post and very entertaining! I can’t wait to share it with my friends and family, especially my cousin who lived in Texas for a while playing for the Rangers and the Astros. He’ll definitely get a kick out of it! And my dear, the recipes look DELICIOUS. I can’t wait to try my hand at them.
After reading all about Texan food, I wiped the dribble from my mouth and decided to pack my bags and come stay in the state so that I can eat my way around it. It all sounds so nice.
I wish you a wonderful day and a sublime week.
Purrs,
The Cat
Come on down! The state welcomes you with open arms, and platters of brisket.
ROFL !! OK.. OK I confess. I am NOT a Texan, I hail from the greatest state in the union Delaware. But I am a Texan By birthright.. my Momma is a Texan as well as her entire side of the family… AND.. I also married a Texan.. so all my in-laws are Texans.. ( You think I would have known better LOL … Just kidding geez)… Now Christine you inspired me I may have to write a ” How to be a Delawarean” and then send it to Joe Biden because obviously he has NO CLUE.. and he is NOT from Delaware.. he is from Pennsylvania.. But I digress.
The only part of this explanation that did not make it into my existence was chicken fried anything that was not chicken. I actually never had chicken fried steak until I moved to Florida many years back. and you know I have had a lot of it since then LOL.
Thank you also for reading my blog.. its always great to hear from a fellow foodie 🙂 My FB page is replete with pics of bread and various foods.. and a True Blood fan too.. hmmm My family is also German.. are you sure we aren’t related LOL..
Thanks again.. and Y’all come back now..
Mark
http://brotherbearsfo.wordpress.com
Is chicken fried steak really that scarce up north? I may need to rethink my travel plans..
🙂
not in Colorado
Love it!
Did someone say a state other than Texas is the greatest state in the union? And a….gasp!….NORTHERN state??
Great post! Truly enjoyed it 🙂
I have to try some of those recipes. I’m sitting in New York City right now with a stomach ache from local Chinese food. I’m moving to Texas in a few weeks to live there for the rest of my life. I am counting the days to get out of this hell hole. I never liked New York but it has become unlivable for normal folk. There is a Main street here on Staten Island by the way.
Where in Texas will you be setting roots?
Next to Ft. Hood, Kileen, Copperas Cove, in Coryell county. I was in the DFW area about 10-11 years ago, maybe more and was ready to move then. Things did not work out for me. But I am ready NOW!!!!! having been in the military I love to shoot, you cannot do that in New York unless you want to jump through hoops, now you can’t even own most rifles and pistols. Either you like living like too many rats in a cage or like myself detest it. In Texas you can spread out have some room for yourself. Less stress and less people who want to remove your money from your wallet. In NYC they nickel and dime you to death. They wanted to raise my rent $65 a month here. Goodbye!!!! Considering this place turned into a dump no way. The government here wants the working class to be equal with the poor and it doesn’t matter how they do it. It’s nice to be living in a free state, it is like living in another country. I believe in helping the poor, not giving away my lifestyle that I earned so they can be comfortable too…just NO.
Yep…..some more of the many reasons to get here and stay here!
Texas State tax system is far better than most American States.