An Open Letter To Mark Zuckerberg

Hey there Mark,

I read about your recent offer to compensate Roger Waters for using Pink Floyd’s song “Another Brick In The Wall” for a new ad, and I just had to wonder if you don’t live in an alternate universe. I guess Roger wondered the same, and I was glad to see that all that money of yours couldn’t buy a song.

Then I wondered some more…Do you even know what that song is about? It’s about thought control. And it is even more relevant now than it was when it came out in 1979.

For the last 30 years, the American brain has been slowly deprived of the ability to think critically. You’re too young to know the difference, so let me paint you a picture.

Mainstream media used to report the facts of a story—just the actual facts— and let us decide how to feel about it. Now they tell us what to think, and we have to sift through all of their “spin” to locate the facts of the story.

Academia that teaches the youth of today teaches them WHAT to think instead of HOW to think. When I was a kid, we were taught critical thinking skills. We would be given a topic—abortion for example.  One week we would have to argue for it. The next week we would have to argue against it. Not only did we learn to think critically, we learned to respect the opinions of others, anticipate and prepare for objections, and learn why we won’t always be right and why that’s ok. Too many of today’s youth are ill-prepared for real world discussions, because they have been conditioned that there is only one correct way to think, and any other way is wrong, offensive and may even cause them actual physical harm.

Nanny state politics. No need to elaborate.

But the reason the song is more relevant now than it was in 1979 is because of people like you. Over the last decade or so, with the advent of social media and the ease and speed at which information is spread, we have access to more information more quickly than ever before.  You (and others like you) have appointed yourself Czar of online truth, detector of good versus bad science, slayer of online bullies…..except you’re not. When it comes to filtering out news  and information, you are taking it upon yourself to decide what information is right and what is wrong for free Americans to consume I have defended your right to do so to many people screaming about censorship and their right to free speech, blah blah blah….not because I think you should be censoring anyone, or anything, but because I understand the law, and what the Constitutional provision was protecting….but your arrogance and audacity in limiting the free exchange of information, no matter how absurd that information may sometimes be, is appalling.  If a grown adult wants to read the modern equivalent of a National Enquirer hack piece, who are you to deny him that? I mean, my GOD, you allow thousands of people who believe the Earth is flat to congregate and discuss their absurd belief.

And your practices designed to combat hate and bullying are laughable.

You’re using bots to do what people should do. And Bots don’t understand context.

Bots don’t understand tone.

Bots don’t understand situational relevance.

Bots take jobs from Americans that need them, Mark.

And because of how you employ them, bots often miss the plot entirely.

I am a political centrist. And one of the nicest people you will ever meet. That’s why all of my friends laugh (first) then get pretty mad to learn that I’m serving my second 30-day sentence in a row in your Facebook Orwellian slammer.  Hoosegow.  Big House.  The food here is terrible. I’d expect more from a man with your means, Mark. Truly disappointed in the arrangements.

Also, I’m still waiting for my conjugal visits from Jason Bateman, Ryan Reynolds and Bradly Cooper…

I thought it would be fun to all walk through my lengthy rap sheet (or is it wrap sheet) together, shall we?

Read along, Mark, I’m guessing you don’t know how utterly absurd your business processes are..

EDIT: July 10th…I’ve been placed on a 30 day probation today for a meme I posted on August 30th of last year. Nearly a year ago.

How ’bout that mug shot though? Obviously a hardened criminal. I’m thinking of getting some little “F’s” tattooed under my eyes, like teardrops…maybe my inmate number across my lower back….My recidivism isn’t my fault, Mark. I’m a victim of my circumstances. I DIDN’T CHOOSE THE THUG LIFE. THE THUG LIFE CHOSE ME.

Reasons my friends have served time in the Clink:

*Telling someone they were GULLIBLE——THIRTY DAYS!!!  (BONUS: while serving this sentence, someone on your crew went back in his history a few years, found something else they didn’t like, and smacked him with another 30)….Bullying Mark. Quintessential bullying. That’s what happens when you give small angry people more grants of authority than they ought to have.

*Saying moms were a GODSEND!!!

*My sister, who is a song writer, for saying “white trash”…..She had typed the lyrics to Reba McIntyre’s song “Fancy”, which includes the line “I might have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy was my name”……Song lyrics, Mark. But WAP from Cardi B…..We ok with that, huh?

Absurd Mark.  Absurd.

Why do I stay Mark? Thank you for asking. But I think you know the answer. At present, you sort of have a monopoly in the social networking world (does this violate the Sherman Anti-trust Act? Anyone? Anyone?)

I’d leave if I wasn’t responsible for planning my reunions. And if I wasn’t keeping in contact with most of my friends here.

Look, the only reason most of us stick around right now is that there are no real viable alternatives. But that won’t last. You’re going to tick off the wrong-up-and-coming tech nerd. You’ll put him in jail one too many times for something entirely too stoooopid. It’s not a matter of If Mark, it’s a matter of when. And he’ll build the next big platform that’ll knock you off your smug, sanctimonious little arse.  He may be cooling his heels right now in your lock-up, even as we speak.

Tick tock Muther Zucker. Tick tock.