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An Apple A Day Keeps Viagra Away

I know that an inordinate number of my posts have lately made reference to boys’ pieces-parts.  It isn’t because I have a perverse interest in such things.  Rather, it’s because when you have boy children, their bits are always getting them into some sort of trouble.  It’s just always there, in the way, tempting them to mischief.  And sometimes it even gets them into trouble without their knowledge or consent.

When Reagan was three, he drank a lot of milk.  And even more apple juice.  A lot of apple juice.  Like a quart a day.  Yes, yes, I know.  That’s a lot of sugar.  You don’t need to tell me about the damage that so much sugar can do to a kid’s teeth, etc….But I bet I can tell you something about it that you didn’t know.

Apple Juice….A Cautionary Tale

One day, as I was getting him up and dressed for daycare, I noticed that Reagan had a case of, not sure how I can put this delicately….but his little bits were standing at attention—like a little toy soldier. 

Now, the first time I ever noticed this, I was freaked out.  I grew up in a house full of girls, so I didn’t know much about those things but I thought I knew enough….Why would a toddler have this, um, situation?   I thought this was reserved for males that had reached a certain level of maturity—and/or had bikini posters in their room.  Not for my baby boy, still sleeping with his teddy bear.

But this was not the first time, and by now I was used to this “condition”, had figured out it was normal, and no longer questioned my prenatal choices—had I eaten too many eggs, and not enough fruit??  So as usual, I got him “situated” in his pull-ups, and dressed, and off we went.  Ninety minutes later, as we neared his daycare, he was attempting to stand up in the car, grabbing at his snappy-crotched jeans, and looking generally uncomfortable…So I pulled off the road, into a parking lot, and he popped up out of his seat like a jack-in-the-box.  He was doing this odd little dance, squirming around, and doing more ball-handling than Jose Canseco.  So, I dropped his drawers only to discover, to my horror, that his little soldier was still at attention.  I am not a boy, and never was, but I felt certain that this was not normal, and probably wasn’t a good thing.  I mean, I don’t even want to do something that feels good for an hour and a half, so I was pretty sure this was not a desirable condition for a toddler. 

I drove past the daycare, and to the emergency room at the Children’s Hospital.  His triage was curiously short, which should have told me that there was reason for concern.  But he still seemed pretty happy, just as long as nothing was touching his bits and pieces.  After a while, they hooked his bits up to a plastic bag.  Actually, they outfitted him with an adult sized one, as they had run out of pediatric bags.   Then they plied him with popcicles and Gatorade in an attempt to see if his pipes were working properly.  Waiting.  More Gatorade.  More waiting.  More Gatorade.  Then finally, the flood gates burst wide open and this tiny child tinkled enough to overflow an adult sized bag.  Almost immediately, his soldier was at ease, and he was happy and comfortable again. 

He was released, but had to return the next day to be catheterized.  He had to drink that funky radioactive liquid, so that they could make sure his pipes were functioning properly, and that there were no obstructions or damage from the previous day’s festivities.  As he was laying on that x-ray table, with a tube stuck up where a tube should not be, and I was made to stand behind the protective glass window 10 feet away, he reached his little hand out towards me, and I heard him cry “I love you , Mommy”…..There was lots of sobbing, and crying.  But I stopped after a while.  He was just fine, and no worse for the wear.

 Thankfully, he got a clean bill of health.

As traumatic as the ordeal was for me—it was nothing compared to my shock when I learned the cause.  Apple juice.  Did you hear me?  APPLE JUICE! 

Apparently, his consumption of apple juice led him to develop little sugar crystals in his kidneys.  So, in effect, my baby was passing kidney stones.  And while these little crystals were trying to pass, his little bits were in a constant state of stimulation, causing his predicament.  From that day forward, his apple juice was diluted 50/50 with water.

Over the years, as the story has been told, and retold, men hearing it all have the same reaction.  Cringe-inducing, wouldn’t you think? 

Nope, not quite.  Usually they look over at their wives and say “Honey, go buy me a bunch of apple juice!” 

Cider Braised Pork Roast and Vegetables

Cider Glazed Pork, Parsnips and Carrots

Serves 8

  • ¼ cup olive oil
  • 1 3-4 pound pork loin roast
  • 6 carrots, peeled
  • 4-6 parsnips, peeled
  • 1 small onion, chopped
  • 1 T salt
  • 1 T coarse black pepper
  • 4 cups apple cider
  • 2 cups water

Heat oil in a large, oven proof dutch oven over medium high heat.  Sprinkle roast liberally with salt and pepper, pressing in with your palms.  Place meat in hot oil, and brown on all sides.  Add vegetables and liquids.  Place in 250* oven for 6 hours, or until meat is tender.  Remove from oven, and place meat and vegetables on a platter.  Slice meat.  Bring juices to boil over high heat, and simmer until reduced a bit.  Serve over the meat and veg.

 

French Onion Soup, With Gruyere

French Onion Soup

Serves 8

  • ¼ cup olive oil, plus 1 T for croutons
  • 2 large white onions, thinly sliced
  • 2 large red onions, thinly sliced
  • 2 large yellow onions, thinly sliced
  • 2 cloves mashed garlic
  • 2 shallots, finely sliced
  • 2 t salt
  • 2 t coarsely ground pepper
  • 1 T sugar
  • 2 cups apple cider
  • 32 oz beef stock
  • 1 pound grated Gruyere cheese
  • 8 slices of stale French bread

Place ¼ cup olive oil in large no-stick stock pot, and heat over medium-low heat.  Add onions, garlic, shallots, salt, pepper and sugar.  Slowly sweat the onions until they are soft, and starting to carmelize.  This should take at least an hour.  The flavors that develop during this time cannot be rushed by cooking at a higher heat, so do take your time to do it right.  Once they are browned and the juice is carmelized and mostly dry, add the cider and beef stock.  Increase heat to medium, and bring to a slow simmer.  Simmer for about 30 minutes.

To make the croutons, brush both sides of bread slices with olive oil.  Bake in 250* oven for 20 minutes on each side, and remove to cool.

To serve, ladle soup into mugs or soup crocks, and top with one crouton.  Sprinkle cheese over tops and broil in oven for 2-3 minutes until browned and bubbly.  Serve immediately.

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Categories: Food, Gourmet, humor, recipes, Texas, Uncategorized, writing

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86 Comments on “An Apple A Day Keeps Viagra Away”

  1. 2012/06/11 at 3:45 pm #

    Looks delicious

  2. 2012/06/11 at 4:16 pm #

    Love the recipes.
    That’s an interesting story about the apple juice. Is it the same for apple cider??

    • 2012/06/12 at 1:32 pm #

      Yes…any fruit juice could do it. Sugar content is Sooo high.

  3. 2012/06/11 at 4:16 pm #

    Wow, I never knew that about apple juice. The recipes look yammie, will go and try to find some apple cider 🙂

  4. 2012/06/11 at 4:17 pm #

    Yikes. Poor little guy. Not a lot of fun. Who would have thought… apple juice??

  5. 2012/06/11 at 4:27 pm #

    Oh well. I guess my wife will outlaw apple juice in our home.

    • 2012/06/12 at 1:33 pm #

      There’s going to be a whole bunch of men with contraband Apple juice stashed…

  6. 2012/06/11 at 5:41 pm #

    Ohh I will definitely need to try the French Onion soup since it’s winter here in Oz now. I love the idea of adding cider to the recipe!

  7. 2012/06/11 at 5:45 pm #

    Classy way to write about a touchy subject. Nicely done!

  8. 2012/06/11 at 5:46 pm #

    the recipe looks fab, and I know what you mean re little boys bits. I’ve had 3 so I’ve learnt a bit. They never got to that point though. As for the tears and sobbing… yep that was me too while son #1 went in for a hydrocele surgery at 15mths…

  9. 2012/06/11 at 6:18 pm #

    Your poor little man! I would have been freaking out, lol. My son loves apple juice too and since he is lactose intolerant he did always want to drink alot of juice. Since I am way too overprotective for my own good though, I always diluted it… he’s 8 now and I still water down the juice. Maybe one day he’ll have the pure stuff and call me out!

    love your recipes here, they look super yummy!

  10. 2012/06/11 at 6:44 pm #

    oh, if my sister finds out I’m sharing this… what the hell… so, I also come from a family of women. My grandparents had two girls, and they each had four girls. The men, avoided us by hunting and fishing.

    I remember being immensely impressed when my aunt changed her boy’s diaper and I saw, from my below the table vantage point, the top of a spurting fountain; which my aunt deftly diverted with a diaper.

    “Oh that’s what boys do, she said.”

    I quickly shared this with my sisters and we concluded that boy babies had water guns, we had Barbies, they were pretty lucky in our opinion.

    Fast forward 20 years and I am home on leave from the military and my sister calls me into the bedroom, where she was changing my nephew’s diaper.
    Her: “You have to see this! He’s huge!”
    She was so proud, I was confused. I wondered how in the hell did boys ride bicycles with that bar if they had these huge bits between their legs? Boys, after all must be bigger than babies.

    A month or so later, I got a letter informing me that her son was not well-endowed, he had a hernia…

  11. 2012/06/12 at 12:28 am #

    Omg. That is crazy! Whoever would have thought that the culprit would be apple juice?! Was he in a lot of pain?

    And after that story, is it weird to say that your food photos made me hungry?

    • 2012/06/12 at 1:37 pm #

      He wasn’t in pain, he was super sensitive in that area.

      • 2012/06/12 at 2:51 pm #

        I’m glad it wasn’t painful! Good tip about cutting the apple juice. Will pass the good advice along to my friends with small kids.

  12. rantsfrommycrazykitchen
    2012/06/12 at 1:38 am #

    Ow! Do you care if I reblog this?!

  13. 2012/06/12 at 10:03 am #

    Omg. Poor baby! Who would’ve thought apple juice? You did the right thing taking him to the ER. =(

    ~Daniél

  14. 2012/06/12 at 11:08 am #

    I’ve nominated you for The One Lovely Blog Award. If you’re interested in accepting please check out my blog at http://www.susartandfood.wordpress.com. Congratulations!

  15. 2012/06/12 at 2:10 pm #

    I am now very grateful my boys stuck to milk. Thank you for making me laugh out loud in the midst of something as dreary as writing budget instructions.

    Anna

  16. 2012/06/12 at 7:55 pm #

    At my age, this sounds like a great recipe. If does not work as a Viagra replacement it will go well with ice cream. It is win-win!

  17. 2012/06/12 at 10:22 pm #

    What a great post of a traumatic event. I had 2 of each gender but never had to deal with that. Then again my kids didn’t drink much juice…. more water. I’m having my hubby read your post. Can’t wait for the comment.
    Tori McRae

  18. arkenaten
    2012/06/13 at 4:01 pm #

    Very interesting post. Tell me, can this condition – sugar crystals in kidneys – manifest in adult males too?

    • 2012/06/14 at 8:11 pm #

      I’m not sure, but I’m pretty certain some of the men in my family have tried…

      • arkenaten
        2012/06/15 at 4:34 am #

        My question was more for health reasons rather than looking for a Viagra substitute. 🙂
        The ‘apple juice payoff’ sounds a bit painful t’be honest.

        Hope your lad had recovered?

  19. 2012/06/13 at 7:41 pm #

    So, go easy on the juice, huh? Interesting story. Thanks for sharing! As always, the food looks great. I’m hungry now.

  20. 2012/06/14 at 1:21 am #

    The Cider Glazed Pork looks so delicious! It is so hard to find food like that in Hong Kong. I miss the US and cannot wait to be back.

  21. 2012/06/14 at 10:31 am #

    Wow, what a story! I am glad your boy is OK.

  22. 2012/06/14 at 11:25 am #

    What an uncomfortable situation caused by something you thought was otherwise harmless. Poor kid, glad to hear he was okay afterwards. The cider pork looks delicious btw.

  23. 2012/06/14 at 5:45 pm #

    Discovered your blog just today. Great blog you got here. Best of luck and keep it up.

  24. 2012/06/15 at 7:16 am #

    listening to this because mi girl will have the same stones!! love the site and thanks for following mine. Not have as pretty!!

  25. 2012/06/16 at 1:49 am #

    Glad to discover your blog by way of your “LIKE” of mine. Hope to read through the posts, I love kitchen experimentation. My two boys are freshly grown up but they are still keeping me with never a dull moment!!

  26. 2012/06/16 at 9:39 am #

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

    I don’t have children of my own, but reading your posts about parenthood is definitely insightful. And I can’t wait to try the French onion soup recipe 🙂

  27. 2012/06/16 at 12:35 pm #

    so happy you came across my blog because that allowed me to come across yours… and its awesome! love the way you mix in delicious recipes with daily wit!

  28. RidiculousHumor
    2012/06/17 at 9:39 am #

    Great writing! I’d love to repost if OK with you. Incase I’m replying to the wrong post, this is about the “little soldier”.
    From RidiculousHumor

  29. 2012/06/17 at 11:12 am #

    Reblogged this on Cmblake6's Weblog and commented:
    REAAALLLLY? I may have to try that!

  30. 2012/06/17 at 11:19 am #

    Your recipes look awesome, your wit definitely is. Thanks for clicking on me to lead back to you, you will be blogrolled in just a minute.

  31. 2012/06/17 at 12:07 pm #

    Yes ma’am, you’ve been reblogged and blogrolled.

  32. 2012/06/17 at 1:57 pm #

    Ummm….That’s more than a little concerning. Not the vicarious leg clenching; the fact that it sounds like a diabetes precursor, since sugars in the urine is a key indicator of pancreatic problems.

  33. RidiculousHumor
    2012/06/17 at 2:57 pm #

    Reblogged this on ridiculoushumor and commented:
    Great, funny story from Texana’s Kitchen Blog. Hope you enjoy as much as I did.

  34. 2012/06/18 at 11:07 am #

    First of all, I am not a religious believer, so all who are should read no more of this comment. In the mythical “Garden of Eden,” supposedly Adam and Eve ate a forbidden fruit. There is no indication for sure what the fruit was, but many regard it as an apple. I guess that interpretation might be compatible with your tale.

    • 2012/06/18 at 1:22 pm #

      I believe the most current scholarly opinion is that the fruit was pomagranite…Being native to that region of Egypt believed to be the cradle of life, and apples not, that seems plausible. Although, only the most dogmatic of religious actually believe the story in a literal interpretation. Most of us see it as a symbolic representation of the loss of innocence of mankind.

  35. 2012/06/18 at 4:45 pm #

    Love blogs with an amusing human side, haha bless your boy. Glad no permanent damage was done except throufh retelling the story! Thanks for popping by my blog too.

  36. 2012/06/18 at 10:45 pm #

    Hello there, I really enjoy reading your blog, good stuff. I nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award. Keep up the good work. 🙂
    Cheers!
    tn.

  37. 2012/06/19 at 1:33 pm #

    This is my first visit to your blog, btw-thanks for following my blog. Now that it’s all said and done, funny story. I’m sure your son doesn’t appreciate it being shared everywhere.

    I like how you tell the story and do the recipes. I’ll see if all your posts are done in a similar manner.

    Nice site.

  38. 2012/06/19 at 9:45 pm #

    Fantastic story!

  39. 2012/06/20 at 12:37 am #

    Oh! Glad I have dogs and not kids. And my German shepherds do not get apple juice.
    Glad all’s well in your toddler’s knickers these days. And may I salute your pork roast with cider? I think pork has to be the Chanel No. 5 of meat. It’s a classic and absolutely irresistible.

  40. 2012/06/20 at 2:01 am #

    Oh man, now I understand why my sister and I were allowed the occasional fruit juice but it was forbidden for my brother! Though how my mother might have known this, coming from an all female troop, escapes me. I hope you use this story to sufficiently embarrass your boy when he gets older!

    • 2012/06/20 at 9:16 am #

      Oh yes, we do. He’s 18 now, and we love telling it to his girlfriends.

  41. 2012/06/22 at 10:05 pm #

    I can honestly say I have never read a post, a book or…anything…before that prefaces a great recipe with a warning story about erections and the dangers of apple juice! I can only call this post…inspired. 🙂

    • 2012/06/22 at 10:28 pm #

      a little somethin’ somethin’ for everyone…. 😀

  42. 2012/06/23 at 2:31 pm #

    What a story! And great recipes… Will have to try. Hubs and I are crazy foodies too. 🙂 glad you’re enjoying the stories over at shortyarns!

  43. 2012/06/23 at 3:28 pm #

    Well as a father of three boys i can relate to the boy parts and the, well the touching of said boy parts, it happens especialy around 3 years of age it is like hey what is this and what do i do with it. and we had a similar experience to this but with orange juice, it was ll my oldest boy wanted, and we gave it to him and he developed crystal in his kidneys and worse because of the acid in the orange juice he developed acid burns from the orange juice in his unrinary tract and bladder, not much to do for it but heal and lot of water, messed up part we went from oj to apple juice but we did learn to dilute it. Glad things turned out for your boy, live and learn there is no guide to being a parent.

    • 2012/06/23 at 4:06 pm #

      you are the only other person I have ever heard from that has experienced the juice thing…I thought I was alone!

      • 2012/06/23 at 5:30 pm #

        Nope not alone as I have found out myself since I started blogging, there is usually one person out there that has or is experiencing what you have, the beauty of the blog, and I love the recipes and the stories, thank you

  44. 2012/06/23 at 3:30 pm #

    oh and it looks like i have forgotten how to type, spell and make a proper sentence.

  45. 2012/06/23 at 5:56 pm #

    OMG! You tell a wonderfully hilarious story. I know it wasn’t funny then but the way you tell it made me laugh. My baby boy is almost 45 now. I guess he was lucky we couldn’t afford juice. Thank you for reading my blog and I love yours. Of course the only reason I have a kitchen is because it comes with the house. Of all the things I love, cooking is not one of them. No tastebuds. But I do love looking at the stuff you make. I have to go raid the fridge now. Thanks.

  46. 2012/06/23 at 10:24 pm #

    Interesting. I had never heard that before. My little man on occasion has the same issue, but his pop taught me that the problem could be handled with a bathroom break. Once the man goes, he’s back to normal and ready to get back in the game.

  47. 2012/06/24 at 2:43 am #

    good post, thanks

  48. 2012/06/26 at 5:15 am #

    Howdy, This all looks delicious. I’m in. (and thanks for stopping by my blog as well.) Cheers, Rita

  49. 2012/06/26 at 6:15 pm #

    Oh…dear. Poor little guy! I am sure the recipes are wonderful, but my heart broke at “I love you mommy” and I lost my appetite! : ) Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  50. 2012/07/02 at 12:52 am #

    That was a fabulous story! And thank you for subscribing to my blog! I wouldn’t have known about your blog if you hadn’t subscribed to mine. And you can bet I’m following you now too! And I “love” the idea of making (or as we say in Texas…”fixing) a roast and adding apple cider vinegar! WHY didn’t I think of that! God bless, friend! ❤

  51. 2012/07/04 at 12:08 pm #

    I LOVE the story!! =D (Well, not that it happened to your kid – but the ending is hilarious!! ^.^)

    • 2012/07/04 at 2:24 pm #

      Yeah…bless his little heart. He’s 18 now, but we still laughs about it.

  52. 2012/07/04 at 1:00 pm #

    Yes! Love your words.

  53. 2012/07/07 at 3:32 am #

    What a story!! Made me laugh!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog and having a look and like! 🙂
    Keep up your lovely recipes!

  54. 2012/07/08 at 12:51 am #

    Wow, that must have been scary! I don’t know much about boy bits either; I’ve just got two daughters. But still, I’m thankful that I habitually dilute their juice anyway, mostly to make it last longer, but also to reduce sugar intake. Phew!

  55. 2012/07/08 at 6:37 am #

    Lovely recipes, I will be popping back often.

  56. 2012/07/11 at 11:27 pm #

    ha, I guess I’m one of the guys that went for the cringe (not too interested in passing stones) :-). Glad he got his bits and stuph taken care of. Thanks for the story

    • 2012/07/12 at 9:00 am #

      Ah then, a smart and sensible man! That poor boy is 18 now, but had another stone a few weeks ago.

  57. 2012/07/16 at 11:14 am #

    Your blog is, by far, the best cooking blog I’ve ever found. I love reading the stories you share before proferring the recipes.

    Leslie

  58. 2012/07/19 at 12:02 pm #

    Thanx for liking my blog “simplemeditations” This is an interesting artile and for such a “delicate” subject very well written—also good to know–I have three boys –never had that happen wouldn’t even realize perhaps there is a problem so this is good info for all those out their with sons

  59. 2012/07/25 at 10:58 pm #

    OH MY GOSH!! I’m letting one I know that has little boys to BE CAREFUL! What a story, and you told it well!

    • 2012/07/25 at 11:39 pm #

      Thanks! I know it caught us off guard…apple juice! Who knew?

  60. 2012/07/29 at 7:03 pm #

    That’s crazy! And exactly why I wanted a girl, lol. And the food looks delicious!

  61. 2012/07/31 at 4:32 pm #

    Thanks for the information. Your story reminds me of some of the tales I have of my son’s childhood, but he won’t let me tell ’em!

  62. 2012/08/08 at 7:37 am #

    This is awesome….I mean I’m glad everything turned out okay. The way you told it was awesome!!!

    Thanks for following my blog! Can I list you as one I follow on my page?!?!?!

    Joy

    • 2012/08/08 at 9:02 am #

      Thank you! Boys make for great stories! Feel free to share my page however you wish. Much appreciated.

  63. 2012/08/11 at 3:31 pm #

    Try thinking of it from the father’s side, when is little angel of a daughter suddenly discovers boys. More specifically the boy, the one, the obsession. Listening to her plotting with her female friends, sounded like a military operation. Have one friend casually inquire about if said target is going to the next school dance. Another friend happened to work at the same fast food place, so suddenly the shifts the target was working were windows of opportunity for target Inquisition. You think boys are bad at that age, at least they are like an open book, it’s the daughters who are the instigators. I m just glad my daughter is now 26 🙂

    • 2012/08/11 at 5:18 pm #

      As one of three daughters growing up brotherless, I can vouch that you are 100% correct. We are a sneaky, conniving lot. I am very glad to have only boys.

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