Hunting Season Is For Girls

This past weekend was opening season for dove hunting in Texas.  So begins 6 months of nearly continuous hunting seasons open in the state.  It starts with dove season, and only a brief break in November will divide it with whitetail season.  So what, you may ask?  I’ll tell you so what.

Hunting season in Texas is practically a religion.  Hunters spend much time, money, and energy readying themselves with an almost ritualistic fervor.  They will be properly outfitted in the vestments of the hunt—Real Tree Camo shirts, pants, hats, and boots.  Depending on the level of testosterone and obsession, there may even be camo-colored face paints, and spray on doe scent.  Yes, that’s right–female deer hormone smell.  Sexy.

Hunting rigs are tuned up, tires aired, and oil checked. Guns are cleaned, oiled, and prepared for battle.  Scopes are calibrated, and ammo is stockpiled in zombie apocalyptic proportions.  Feeders are checked for proper function, and their timers are checked for proper function.  Blinds are cleaned of the owl droppings and hornets’ nests that have accumulated since the last whitetail season closed in January.  Hog traps are tested, greased, and moved to the most covert position allowable.

Beer begins to chill, and ample supplies of canned sardines, chili, and beef stew are procured.  There may even be an errant can of Spam, or potted meat.  Because, by God,  that’s what real men eat when they are roughing it.

And what of the women that they will leave behind? The hunting season widows, sending their men off as they fulfill their innate need to be hunter gatherers.  Waving goodbye to the boys, the dogs, the trucks, these ladies will retreat quietly back into their homes…………….and do the happy dance.

Yep, the happy dance.  This entails wiggling your hips, eyes to Heaven, fists raised above your head in victorious celebration.  There will be screaming, in whispers, so as not to disturb the now quiet solitude of the home.  After a quick but thorough round of ritualistic cleaning, the hunting season widow will now bask in the quiet, super clean, ultra tidy palace that she will enjoy in solitude.  No, she is not sad.  She knows her boys will return home soon enough.  Rather, she is joyous at the thought of taking long, uninterrupted bubble baths and watching the Lifetime channel 24/7.  She will be free of burping contests, armpit farts, and other crude noises for days on end. She will be free to eat chicken salad to her heart’s content, and to add cranberries to her mixed greens with reckless abandon. Yes, cranberries to her mixed greens.

A fruity adult beverage, a stack of gossip magazines, and some fuzzy slippers, and her bliss will be complete.  Ahhhhhh.  Hunting Season, how I do love thee…

Smoked Chicken Salad

Smoked Chicken Salad

Serves 8 as salad, or 12 as sandwiches

  • 6 large chicken breasts, salted and grilled over medium high flame until done   OR   1 whole smoked chicken from your grocery deli
  • ¾ cup mayonnaise
  • ¾ cup sour cream
  • ¾ cup slivered almonds, toasted
  • 1 cup grapes, cut in half
  • ½ cup chopped parsley, packed

Remove chicken from bone and shred or chop into small bite sized pieces.  Combine all ingredients in a bowl, and chill until ready to serve.  Serve on a bed of mixed greens, or on croissants for sandwiches.

BACON Makes Everything Better

Broccoli Bacon and Cranberry Salad

  • 8 cups broccoli florets
  • 1 pound bacon
  • 1 cup almond slivers
  • 1 cup dried cranberries
  • ¾ cup mayonnaise
  • ½ cup cider vinegar
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper
  • 2 tablespoons sugar

Place broccoli in a large bowl.  Cook bacon in skillet until crisp, drain and crumble.  Place in ziplock bag or small covered container. Pour off all but 1 tablespoon of bacon grease from pan.  Over medium heat, cook almonds in bacon drippings until toasted and golden.  Remove from heat to a bowl to cool.  Add with bacon into zip bag or covered container.

Combine all remaining ingredients and pour over broccoli.  Stir to coat well.  When ready to serve, stir in almonds, and bacon.

Broccoli, Bacon and Cranberry Salad

Raspberry Champagne Bliss

  • 1 bottle Asti Spumante Ballatore, or other sweet sparkling wine
  • 1 bottle Ocean Spray Cran Raspberry juice
  • 1 ½ cups raspberry schnapps

Mix, chill, and enjoy responsibly!

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Categories: Family, Food, humor, recipes, Texas, writing

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20 Comments on “Hunting Season Is For Girls”

  1. 2013/09/20 at 4:56 pm #

    You should be ashamed of yourself. You know yall miss your men so much you are just MISERABLE! So just go ahead and admit it!

  2. 2013/09/20 at 5:27 pm #

    Very nice salad but tell me the truth. When he brings back venison tenderloin (backstrap) aint that some of the best eating ever???? How about venison sausage from the quarters? Absolutely delicious. AND he really has to hunt and kill those animals. Then he has to bleed them and clean them. I also love dove but it takes a whole lot of them to feed anyone so you better be home in the evening, which I generally did.
    As for the belching, armpit farts, etc. I can live without crudeness or crassness in my life. Most men I know can do so, too. It is, however, very nice to enjoy nature and the sounds of the outdoors with the stars and the moon without having to worry about no plumbing, no outdoor facilities, no a/c, comfy bed, etc. Every man I know, however, misses his wife when he is gone. He enjoys his hunting trip but make no mistake, he understands and appreciates the importance of the mamma bear.
    I’m sure glad God made men different than women. I married the Baby Lady not only because she is my best friend but she is my love and brings out the best in me. I would like to think I do the same with her. 🙂 If I don’t she is one very tolerant Baby Lady. 😉 I also don’t take her fishing or hunting. 😀

    • 2013/09/20 at 9:11 pm #

      Oh yes…I love the fruits of his labor. And he isn’t the source of most of the farting and armpit farts, etc…that would be my teenagers, who also cause most of the messes in the house. Summer camp would be a nice alternative I suppose, but then they don’t get to bond with dad….

      • 2013/09/20 at 11:04 pm #

        Hmmm… I don’t take the kids with me, either. Even now that they are adults. I would hate for one of them to “accidentally” shoot the old man. 😮

      • 2013/09/20 at 11:34 pm #

        We all used to go…I did enjoy it, and I did all the cooking, usually over an open pit or in a smoker. Sometimes I will still. But I DO love those quiet bits of me time too…..

  3. 2013/09/20 at 6:08 pm #

    You’re so funny! 😉

  4. gemini232006
    2013/09/20 at 6:27 pm #

    My husband left hunting,, leaving me with our 3 year old as I was working on her birthday cake. I believe it’s his religion..hunting, but he could have held off til tomorrow, when my arms weren’t deep in rolling fondant out. My dad is a hunter, wasn’t til I met my husband that I realized men get stupid sill about going hunting. Especially when we are at walmart and my husband gets excited about doe pee. Thanks for the laugh. Really entertaining, and mostly I spend my time in the kitchen when he is gone if not with our 3 year old.

    • 2013/09/20 at 9:13 pm #

      Oh yes…..I cook all kinds of foofy food when they’re hunting…stuff they won’t eat, or that’s too expensive to feed four people on….lobster anyone? Beef Wellington?

  5. 2013/09/20 at 7:06 pm #

    As someone who has never hunted (not much to hunt for in LA) this is a really interesting post. I loved the way you painted a picture of the whole season in just a few paragraphs. Plus, that smoked chicken salad recipe looks insane!

  6. 2013/09/20 at 8:55 pm #

    The broccoli salad sounds wonderful. May take it to the tailgate tomorrow!

    • 2013/09/20 at 9:14 pm #

      It’s my favorite dish. It keeps for days, and you can add chicken to it if you want to make a meal out of it. I think the bacon is plenty though.

  7. Margy Rydzynski
    2013/09/20 at 10:09 pm #

    sounds like heaven on earth.I’m sure there’s an equivalent mail ritual up here in Boston.the peace and quiet and clean house sounds wonderful.

    • Margy Rydzynski
      2013/09/20 at 10:10 pm #

      Uh, I meant male ritual!

  8. 2013/09/21 at 7:26 am #

    Yep, I know some of those guys you’re talking about. As I’m giggling at your post, it just occurred to me that maybe one of the reasons they get so giddy is that hunting season gets them away from home! Hmmm…..The broccoli salad works for me any time.

    • 2013/09/21 at 9:34 am #

      You are absolutely right about them getting giddy because get away from the house. Away from the rules, the laundry. They are allowed to use curse words at deer camp, but have to clean their mouths up before appearing back in society or in front of females.

  9. 2013/09/22 at 2:03 pm #

    Great post! My husband hasn’t hunted in many years but I remember the rituals. I did get to go out once with him. He wouldn’t let me shower or wear deodorant before we left, lol. Yes, I know, it’s about the game being able to smell you or not.

  10. 2013/09/22 at 2:19 pm #

    Happy Hunting Season! Great stuff, as usual!

  11. 2013/09/27 at 10:12 am #

    So glad hunting season is upon us. I can’t wait. I’ll be spending 4 days at our ranch outside of Goliad next weekend and am so excited. I think some things have changed since I joined the clan, though. Food being one of them. Last year, we dined on ribs, ABTs, steak and baked potatoes. No canned food for us. Before that, I think they just burned steaks and ate sandwiches. I know Mrs. G is doing a little happy dance at getting the opportunity to be alone, but I know in a way, she wishes she was going. We’re working out another trip where it’s not guys only and she can attend. The chicken salad looks really good and we just happen to have some leftover chicken that we grilled last night. Think we have plans for dinner now. Thanks.

  12. 2013/09/28 at 9:17 am #

    Have you seen the documentary called The Debutante Hunters? It’s a terrific short film about a group of South Carolina women who hunt. Really. It’s one of the best documentaries that I’ve ever seen.

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