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About A Boy…A Tape Measure…And A Footlong Weenie

Never underestimate the importance of knowing your weights and measures.

For Christmas one year, my mother gifted my boys with Home Depot tool boxes, complete with the full range of functional, but small-sized tools.  They each had a hammer, saw, pliers, screwdriver, wrench, level and tape measure.  Most children, when in possession of such items as hammers and saws, would immediately set about harming themselves or property with these tools.  Not my kids.  For my kids, it was the tape measure.

We all know that men get really hung up on the size of their “bits and pieces”, but being from a family full of girls, I had no idea that this obsession begins in boys at such a young age.  When he was in Kindergarten, my youngest informed me that his bits were bigger than Jacob’s bits.  As it turns out, the kindergarten boys were in the habit of conducting side-by-side comparisons.  Nice.

Enter the tape measure.  So one day when this same cherub-cheeked boy was 5, I was in the kitchen cooking lunch, and he was lying on the sofa watching T.V.  He was devoid of clothing, without apparel, save for the Spiderman underpants he was wearing.

I heard an odd sound, sort of a cross between a chirp and a gasp, coming from his general direction, and couldn’t really tell if it was a good sound or a bad sound.  Glancing over at him, nothing looked askew, so I chalked it up to he was just making weird noises.  Boys makes LOTS of weird noises, and I often find I would rather not know why.

Then I heard it again.  This time it was a bit louder, and decidedly NOT good.  I looked over at him again, and nothing looked odd.  Of course, all I could see was the back of his head, and his feet sticking out in front of him.  Better take a closer look.  As I came around from the side, I noticed that he had the tape measure up against his bits and pieces.  Turns out, he had been checking to see if he measured up.

But–and I am trying to put this very, very delicately–you see, we are Catholic….Gentile.  Not Jewish.  We have never been visited by a mohel, nor had a bris.  Sooooo, anywho, some of his bits had gotten stuck in the metal tape as it retracted, and he dared not allow the tape to retract any further.  He was a millimeter away from losing his religion.  I calmly reached down and pulled the tape back out, thereby releasing his boy bits and allowing him to breathe again.  The color came back to his face in an instant, and he let out a huge sigh, at the same time crying out “Mommy, are you mad at me?”

“No, baby.  I am not mad at you–I was worried you were hurt”.

I am glad to report that both his religion and his bits escaped unharmed. Bless his little heart.

And his little bits and pieces.

But the funniest part was what happened next.

You see, because he was only just beginning to learn his weights and measures, and didn’t quite have a firm grasp on his terminologies, he went around for the next three months telling everyone that his “weenus weighed 3 pounds”.   In between the howling laughter, and spitting beer out of his nose, my husband simply said “you wish..”

His teachers had questions.  His friends seemed impressed.

So, please make sure your children understand the difference between weights and measures, and that you know the difference between an inch and a pound when trying these recipes.

Buttermilk Pound Cake

BUTTERMILK POUND CAKE

makes one standard bundt cake

This cake is super moist and dense, and tastes exactly like a Buttermilk Pie.  It is best served room temperature, with no fanfare, but fresh berries are nice with it if you want to dress it up a bit.

  • 3 cups flour
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon nutmeg
  • 3 cups sugar
  • 1 1/2 cups softened butter
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 cup buttermilk
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla

Preheat oven to 325*

Grease and flour (or spray) a heavy bundt pan.

Combine flour, salt, nutmeg and baking soda in a bowl and set aside.

In the bowl of a mixer, beat butter and sugar until creamy.  Add eggs, one at time, beating well after each addition.  Add 1/3 of the flour, and 1/3 of the buttermilk, mixing  just until incorporated.  Repeat 2 times, until all of the flour and buttermilk has been incorporated.  Stir in vanilla. Pour into prepared bundt pan, and place in center of oven.  Bake for 1 hour, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out mostly clean.

If you are using a light weight, dark metal, or aluminum pan, you may need to reduce bake time by 10 minutes, at least.

Jalapeno And Cheese Stuffed, Bacon Wrapped Texas BBQ Dog

Foot-Long Texas BBQ Dog

per serving:

  • 1 foot-long beef weiner
  • 1 foot-long hotdog bun
  • 3 slices thin bacon
  • 1 oz cheddar cheese stick
  • 8-12 jalapeno nacho slices (use pickle slices if you don’t like the heat)
  • 2 tablespoons BBQ sauce

With a sharp knife, cut the weiner lengthwise, going most of the way through, but not all the way through the meat.  slice the cheese into three long pieces, and place them in the slit you cut.  Place sliced jalapenos or pickles into alongside the cheese.  Carefully wrap the bacon around the stuffed weiner, going at a diagonal and gently stretching the bacon to cover the whole dog.  Use toothpicks if necessary to secure.  Fry on a griddle, or on a grill, until the bacon is crispy on all sides.  Brush with BBQ sauce and cook for 2 more minutes.  Serve on a toasted bun, with sliced onion.

Pickle-Stuffed Bacon-Wrapped Texas BBQ Dog

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Categories: BAKING, children, dessert, Family, Food, humor, recipes, Texas, writing

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25 Comments on “About A Boy…A Tape Measure…And A Footlong Weenie”

  1. 2013/03/27 at 9:40 pm #

    OMG, as your son this definitely qualifies as a story I would like forgotten, but for me, I found it hilarious. Never mind the recipes, I’ll try them when I finish laughing 😉

  2. 2013/03/27 at 9:52 pm #

    Cute story! I have a couple boys and can empathize. Nice recipies?

  3. 2013/03/27 at 10:45 pm #

    As my mom puts it “To a man, a standard foot is 8″ minus 2… ”
    I tend to regard things in a more useful manner… “Bun length and bigger that a bread box.”

    Mr Great grandmother used to make a kiler buttermilk pound cake with an odd tangy glaze… You’ve got me hankering for that now. I need to go hunt that one down.

    Cheers!

  4. 2013/03/27 at 10:48 pm #

    So funny! Again, you are a great storyteller!

  5. 2013/03/27 at 11:03 pm #

    I had to put my tea down before I spilled it all over myself from laughing so hard. Yes, that is typical boy behavior and it took me back down memory lane. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The pound cake and the hot dog look good too. I must go wipe the tears from my eyes now.

    • 2013/03/27 at 11:05 pm #

      Yes, boy children do cause the best stories….excellent extortion material when they start dating.

      • 2013/03/27 at 11:12 pm #

        🙂 More laughter. I will sleep well tonight with giggles popping out. They are lucky to have a mom with a sense of humor.

  6. Barb
    2013/03/28 at 6:01 am #

    I thoroughly enjoyed your blog today..thank you for the laughter as well as the recipes! I had to forward your post to my daughter..know it will tickle her too. Thanks again, keep up with your wonderful posts!

  7. 2013/03/28 at 7:23 am #

    You always bring a chuckle to my day … and then I read the recipes! Great job

  8. 2013/03/28 at 9:20 am #

    Oh sweet lord, I’m laughing but also terrified of having sons lol

    • 2013/03/28 at 1:00 pm #

      Oh, girl….That’s only the beginning….Look for a post soon that discusses fun and interesting places to pee….

      • 2013/03/28 at 3:09 pm #

        *sigh* you’re just going to keep making me fear sons and then Michael will keep calling me sexist lol

  9. 2013/03/28 at 11:09 am #

    Loved it! So funny. Good recipes also.

  10. 2013/03/28 at 12:03 pm #

    This is so funny, but boys remember and do tend to get even with stories of their own about their parents at some point in life. So, beware.

    • 2013/03/28 at 1:00 pm #

      Aha…….The secret is not to give them any ammo…….I haven’t, although my husband, bless his heart, will be screwed in that regard.

  11. 2013/03/28 at 12:48 pm #

    am reposting on my blog with your permission. Too great! And my site is all preschoolers

  12. 2013/03/28 at 7:19 pm #

    Oh my gosh, laughing so hard. My son is also 15 and when he was a toddler he was examining my jewelry when suddenly he disappeared. I caught him just in the nick of time as he was trying a ring on his “bit & pieces” …. and oh can’t wait for fun & interesting places to pee….boys! Now to make it up to him for sharing my favorite little boy story I think I’ll go make up a batch of those Texas BBQ Dogs!

  13. 2013/03/30 at 2:17 pm #

    Oh my gosh this cracked me up!

  14. 2013/05/04 at 4:27 am #

    My mom (still) loves to tell the story of how, when my oldest brother was about 3 or 4, he wrapped chewing gum around penis and how hard it was for her to remove it. He’s in his 40’s now and probably still embarrassed to hear it.
    The most my son has done is stretch his as far as it will go. Scary.

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