Hunting Season Is For Girls

This past weekend was opening season for dove hunting in Texas.  So begins 6 months of nearly continuous hunting seasons open in the state.  It starts with dove season, and only a brief break in November will divide it with whitetail season.  So what, you may ask?  I’ll tell you so what.

Hunting season in Texas is practically a religion.  Hunters spend much time, money, and energy readying themselves with an almost ritualistic fervor.  They will be properly outfitted in the vestments of the hunt—Real Tree Camo shirts, pants, hats, and boots.  Depending on the level of testosterone and obsession, there may even be camo-colored face paints, and spray on doe scent.  Yes, that’s right–female deer hormone smell.  Sexy. 

Hunting rigs are tuned up, tires aired, and oil checked. Guns are cleaned, oiled, and prepared for battle.  Scopes are calibrated, and ammo is stockpiled in zombie apocalyptic proportions.  Feeders are checked for proper function, and their timers are checked for proper function.  Blinds are cleaned of the owl droppings and hornets’ nests that have accumulated since the last whitetail season closed in January.  Hog traps are tested, greased, and moved to the most covert position allowable.

Beer begins to chill, and ample supplies of canned sardines, chili, and beef stew are procured.  There may even be an errant can of Spam, or potted meat.  Because, by God,  that’s what real men eat when they are roughing it. 

And what of the women that they will leave behind? The hunting season widows, sending their men off as they fulfill their innate need to be hunter gatherers.  Waving goodbye to the boys, the dogs, the trucks, these ladies will retreat quietly back into their homes…………….and do the happy dance.

Yep, the happy dance.  This entails wiggling your hips, eyes to Heaven, fists raised above your head in victorious celebration.  There will be screaming, in whispers, so as not to disturb the now quiet solitude of the home.  After a quick but thorough round of ritualistic cleaning, the hunting season widow will now bask in the quiet, super clean, ultra tidy palace that she will enjoy in solitude.  No, she is not sad.  She knows her boys will return home soon enough.  Rather, she is joyous at the thought of taking long, uninterrupted bubble baths and watching the Lifetime channel 24/7.  She will be free of burping contests, armpit farts, and other crude noises for days on end. She will be free to eat chicken salad to her heart’s content, and to add cranberries to her mixed greens with reckless abandon. Yes, cranberries to her mixed greens.

A fruity adult beverage, a stack of gossip magazines, and some fuzzy slippers, and her bliss will be complete.  Ahhhhhh.  Hunting Season, how I do love thee…

Smoked Chicken Salad

Smoked Chicken Salad

Serves 8 as salad, or 12 as sandwiches

  • 6 large chicken breasts, salted and grilled over medium high flame until done   OR   1 whole smoked chicken from your grocery deli
  • ¾ cup mayonnaise
  • ¾ cup sour cream
  • ¾ cup slivered almonds, toasted
  • 1 cup grapes, cut in half
  • ½ cup chopped parsley, packed

Remove chicken from bone and shred or chop into small bite sized pieces.  Combine all ingredients in a bowl, and chill until ready to serve.  Serve on a bed of mixed greens, or on croissants for sandwiches.

BACON Makes Everything Better

Broccoli Bacon and Cranberry Salad

  • 8 cups broccoli florets
  • 1 pound bacon
  • 1 cup almond slivers
  • 1 cup dried cranberries
  • ¾ cup mayonnaise
  • ½ cup cider vinegar
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper
  • 2 tablespoons sugar

Place broccoli in a large bowl.  Cook bacon in skillet until crisp, drain and crumble.  Place in ziplock bag or small covered container. Pour off all but 1 tablespoon of bacon grease from pan.  Over medium heat, cook almonds in bacon drippings until toasted and golden.  Remove from heat to a bowl to cool.  Add with bacon into zip bag or covered container.

Combine all remaining ingredients and pour over broccoli.  Stir to coat well.  When ready to serve, stir in almonds, and bacon.

Broccoli, Bacon and Cranberry Salad

Raspberry Champagne Bliss

  • 1 bottle Asti Spumante Ballatore, or other sweet sparkling wine
  • 1 bottle Ocean Spray Cran Raspberry juice
  • 1 ½ cups raspberry schnapps

Mix, chill, and enjoy responsibly!

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Categories: Food, humor, recipes, Texas, writing

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48 Comments on “Hunting Season Is For Girls”

  1. 2012/09/10 at 11:21 am #

    What, no recipes for dove?

    • 2012/09/10 at 11:53 am #

      Jerry….Those will come later….as dove season comes to a close and then hunter gatherers start to return with their bounty!

  2. Mad Scientist
    2012/09/10 at 12:18 pm #

    I happen to enjoy sardines and SPAM….

  3. 2012/09/10 at 1:18 pm #

    I look forward to your dove and quail recipes…thanks for sharing your Texas bird hunting tips.

  4. 2012/09/10 at 1:21 pm #

    Sounds Perfect!!!

  5. 2012/09/10 at 2:49 pm #

    Nice! Been there. Done that. Bought mountain property and hunt bears now, with my wife. We have shot tons of them…using trail cameras.

  6. 2012/09/10 at 3:57 pm #

    A most enjoyable read. Happy Hunting (Season)!

  7. 2012/09/10 at 6:39 pm #

    very interesting–I’ve never lived in Texas but it sounds Interesting:) Where I live in Northern Illinois my dad would hunt pheasant around thanksgiving(though my brother-in-law hunted deer in Wisconsin} and foxes in the winter. I always felt so sorry for the foxes:( My mom did not like his being gone all that much but then this was a different day and age–Having raised three boys I really get the time to yourself and the house stays clean and peace and quiet for a while:)

  8. juanitascocina
    2012/09/10 at 8:23 pm #

    Okay, my wife loves the broccoli salad stuff. She’s politely asked that I please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, (you get the idea) make this this weekend. *sigh*

    • 2012/09/10 at 9:10 pm #

      Do it! I ate nothing but that today. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oh, how I love it so!

  9. 2012/09/11 at 5:44 am #

    Haha! We all need a bit of me-time! That broccoli salad and cocktail look awesome! We were in Houston for 6 weeks last year, and both of those recipes remind me so much of the food and drink we consumed there…quite different to Australia. Am going to save these and try some time! Enjoy your hunting season 🙂

  10. Sarah
    2012/09/11 at 9:27 am #

    Well, you know I must comment. I do love a quiet home to myself, with wine, and gossip magazines. I don’t, however, get that during hunting season, because hunting season IS for girls. You will catch me hunting every time with the boys…and likely doing a better job 🙂

  11. 2012/09/11 at 9:43 am #

    My gun is clean and ammo has been stock piled in zombie apocalyptic proportions in preperation for my first ever dove hunt…..but I have to wait for the last weekend in September. I didn’t grow up hunting, but am looking forward to going with my father in law, brother in law and some friends. Should be good times…..I just hope there are some doves. I’ll pass on the recipe to Mrs. G, not really my type of thing, but then again I wasn’t your target audience on this one.

    • 2012/09/11 at 12:06 pm #

      No, you weren’t….But when you come back with some doves, hit me up! We do one stuffed with cream cheese and jalapeno, and bacon wrapped before smoking…..YUM.

      • 2012/09/11 at 1:01 pm #

        Similar to what I’ve had in the past but with cheddar or Colby Jack.

  12. 2012/09/11 at 7:23 pm #

    My dad used to take me dove hunting with him so I could fetch the birds after they fell. It took me awhile to realize I was his hunting dog. Once my mom visited and — after I calmly grabbed a wounded dove, put it’s head under my boot, and separated it from said head — declared that I was no longer going dove hunting.

    Your description of how you spend hunting season sounds right down my alley. Do you drink the whole Raspberry Champagne Bliss by yourself or do you invite friends? 😉

    • 2012/09/11 at 8:42 pm #

      Oh, I highly recommend sharing with friends, lest you wake in the gutter in an unfamiliar neighborhood.

    • 2012/09/11 at 8:45 pm #

      And it’s awesome that you were fearless enough to part the dove with its head. You are probably a stronger, well rounded chick because of it!

      • 2012/09/12 at 3:36 pm #

        It was probably good preparation for my corporate career. 😉

  13. 2012/09/12 at 11:04 am #

    These recipes have come at just the right time — having company this weekend and then tailgating at the Univ. of Tenn. game agains Florida! Thanks!

  14. 2012/09/12 at 2:40 pm #

    “Yes, cranberries…” Omg, you always make me laugh and want to go cook something!

  15. 2012/09/13 at 9:12 am #

    The Canadian hunters tend to gravitate more towards moose and bear–much to my dismay. I spend hunting season mourning Bullwinkle and Winnie. And don’t even get me started on Bambi.

  16. MB
    2012/09/13 at 10:04 pm #

    Fantastic recipe. The photos make me want to raid the fridge! I’m a Texan also, and I totally understand where you’re coming from with regard to hunting season.

  17. 2012/09/16 at 5:06 am #

    Hi, It looks yummy and mouthwatering.i tried this at home , my family and lid loved it. Thanks for this good posting.Your description is very nice any one can follow easily.
    All the best keep posting……….

  18. 2012/09/17 at 12:12 pm #

    I don’t see you as the fuzzy slipper-wearing, Lifetime Channel-watching, gossip rag-reading type. 😉

    • 2012/09/17 at 1:28 pm #

      And there, you would be correct!

    • 2012/09/17 at 1:30 pm #

      And there you would be right! One most counts, anyway….I DO love my fuzzy slippers, though. I have several. I love to snuggle up in my sock monkey pajamas while watching Cooking Channel and reading cookbooks.

  19. 2012/09/18 at 9:50 am #

    Lucky you! -a happy dance? LOL We had the same dance in NH, my Dad was gone to Coos County for a few weeks each year and returned with a variety of freezer packages… deer, bear, moose, etc. It was a familiar part of my childhood. My mother and 3 sisters loved these women only weeks!

    But then I married my first husband in 1977 and he took me home to western rural Appalachian Pennsylvania. My FIL woke me at 3am and directed sleepy me through a long list of to dos: Make large restaurant sized coffee urn and keep it filled! Start a huge pot of beef stew and another of chicken soup. Start making biscuits and muffins… then he left at 8 am to visit other farms to get more ideas for me… he was a widower and took training me in his late wife’s absence seriously!

    As soon as he left I cured up on the sofa and fell asleep. At some point, I woke to see a large scary man who looked like a Neanderthal Hunter in the living room telling em to wake up and get him coffee and food! I pointed at the kitchen and said “Help yourself!”

    He looked at me like I was talking gibberish and he sat dow on his heels and waited until I finally got up made a tray for him: coffee mug, bowl of stew and breads

    He ate, never said a word, left the tray on the floor when he left.

    For a guy who was incapable of saying thank you, word spread fast! My FIL returned within an hour to yell at me for insulting the family’s honor!

    I spent the next week under his watchful eye fro 3 am to 3 pm. At 3:30pm, I had to clean the kitchen and prepare dinner… I think my sister in law took over the next year because I was thankfully in college and refused to even come up for the weekend! LOL

    The whole family including my husband was dead with 10 years, and I can now appreciate all I learned and their country ways but I was not a happy camper back then!

    New husband is pure city boy LOL but I do miss a freezer full of game meats. I thought about hunting but a Yankee in the NC woods during hunting season might not be the smartest idea!

    • 2012/09/18 at 10:04 am #

      Oh. My. Lord. They make movies about things like your first marriage experience. I’m afraid my father-in-law and I would not have gotten along so well as you did….I would have dug my heels in defiantly, and probably wound up in prison for putting him out of my misery. Yep, I would have had me a freezer full of male chauvanist pig….Not very good eatin’, I’m sure, but the atmosphere would be much improved.

      Teach your city boy to hunt! I’m sure he has primal hunter gatherer urges that he has been surpressing. Send him on an elk hunt to Colorado…that’s good meat!

      • 2012/09/18 at 10:16 am #

        LOL the 70’s sucked, my grandmother went 3 weeks without my grandfather speaking to her for committing the sin of wearing a pant-suit! I did not get along with my FIL but I later appreciated the experience. I was determined to marry a orphan next time, but fell in love and now I have Long Island in-laws who hate me even more! sigh…

        My advice to women everywhere, marry orphans!

        As for current husband hunting? Good god! the boy is from Long Island and is afraid of spiders! We lived in Wilmington for a few years and they have these fish called ‘croakers’ -they frigging talk! We caught a bunch of them because I heard they tasted real good… he refused to clean them, because to his ears, they were pleading for their lives… sigh, he tossed them back and we ate grilled cheese… hunt, yeah right. I can just see him now crying in the woods…

      • 2012/09/18 at 10:29 am #

        Um, yes. I now see the gravity of the situation. You married a metrosexual. There is no cure. On the upside, I bet he never belches or farts in public.

      • 2012/09/18 at 10:44 am #

        LOL -the man is never seen in public, he is a gamer… a metrosexual gamer… although he does mush siberian huskies on the weekends: http://siberiangulag.wordpress.com/dryland-mushing/ that’s about his limit. Nope, bad taste in footwear too but he does have big feet…. and drives a cute, er masculine Porsche LOL Mostly, he loves me just the way I am…

      • 2012/09/18 at 11:33 am #

        ahahaha! Love it.

      • 2012/09/18 at 3:27 pm #

        Aweeeee. He’s cute. He looks like a little boy trapped in a mans body. Gorgeous dogs. I commented on one of your posts..we just had to put our VERY old husky down last week. Very sad.

    • 2012/09/18 at 4:03 pm #

      I saw it, I’m so sorry! I responded to your post. We’ve been very lucky with this batch of nuts! very very sad for your loss!

  20. 2012/09/18 at 10:18 am #

    er, you gotta realize -he does have some amazing redeeming qualities… LOL

  21. 2012/09/20 at 7:52 am #

    There is a great new documentary that I wrote a review for back in January called The Debutante Hunters about a group of women in South Carolina who hunt.

    • 2012/09/20 at 1:15 pm #

      I will have to check it out…Sounds right up my alley!

    • 2012/09/24 at 8:24 am #

      I don’t know why but I am just a scaredy puss. Shooting birds. I tried once and came home determined never to do it again!

  22. 2012/09/27 at 1:09 pm #

    I have to say you are so much more interesting than that Pioneer Woman – and authentic (yes, I have a problem with her…)

    • 2012/09/27 at 3:15 pm #

      Hehe….I never know what the folks on TV are really like….Some are genuine, and some are genuine actors.

  23. 2012/10/02 at 2:36 am #

    LOL!! I laughed out loud when I read this….yousummed it up so well…
    Fishing season just started here in NZ and my hubby is almost hopping from one foot to the other wanting to get out every evening….then it’ll be duck, then deer…then…..excellent post !!

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