About A Boy…A Tape Measure…And A Footlong Weenie

Never underestimate the importance of knowing your weights and measures.

For Christmas one year, my mother gifted my boys with Home Depot tool boxes, complete with the full range of functional, but small-sized tools.  They each had a hammer, saw, pliers, screwdriver, wrench, level and tape measure.  Most children, when in possession of such items as hammers and saws, would immediately set about harming themselves or property with these tools.  Not my kids.  For my kids, it was the tape measure.

We all know that men get really hung up on the size of their “bits and pieces”, but being from a family full of girls, I had no idea that this obsession begins in boys at such a young age.  When he was in Kindergarten, my youngest informed me that his bits were bigger than Jacob’s bits.  As it turns out, the kindergarten boys were in the habit of conducting side-by-side comparisons.  Nice.

Enter the tape measure.  So one day when this same cherub-cheeked boy was 5, I was in the kitchen cooking lunch, and he was lying on the sofa watching T.V.  He was devoid of clothing, without apparel, save for the Spiderman underpants he was wearing.

I heard an odd sound, sort of a cross between a chirp and a gasp, coming from his general direction, and couldn’t really tell if it was a good sound or a bad sound.  Glancing over at him, nothing looked askew, so I chalked it up to he was just making weird noises.  Boys makes LOTS of weird noises, and I often find I would rather not know why.

Then I heard it again.  This time it was a bit louder, and decidedly NOT good.  I looked over at him again, and nothing looked odd.  Of course, all I could see was the back of his head, and his feet sticking out in front of him.  Better take a closer look.  As I came around from the side, I noticed that he had the tape measure up against his bits and pieces.  Turns out, he had been checking to see if he measured up.

But–and I am trying to put this very, very delicately–you see, we are Catholic….Gentile.  Not Jewish.  We have never been visited by a mohel, nor had a bris.  Sooooo, anywho, some of his bits had gotten stuck in the metal tape as it retracted, and he dared not allow the tape to retract any further.  He was a millimeter away from losing his religion.  I calmly reached down and pulled the tape back out, thereby releasing his boy bits and allowing him to breathe again.  The color came back to his face in an instant, and he let out a huge sigh, at the same time crying out “Mommy, are you mad at me?”

“No, baby.  I am not mad at you–I was worried you were hurt”.

I am glad to report that both his religion and his bits escaped unharmed. Bless his little heart.

And his little bits and pieces.

But the funniest part was what happened next.

You see, because he was only just beginning to learn his weights and measures, and didn’t quite have a firm grasp on his terminologies, he went around for the next three months telling everyone that his “weenus weighed 3 pounds”.   In between the howling laughter, and spitting beer out of his nose, my husband simply said “you wish..”

His teachers had questions.  His friends seemed impressed.

So, please make sure your children understand the difference between weights and measures, and that you know the difference between an inch and a pound when trying these recipes.

Buttermilk Pound Cake

BUTTERMILK POUND CAKE

makes one standard bundt cake

This cake is super moist and dense, and tastes exactly like a Buttermilk Pie.  It is best served room temperature, with no fanfare, but fresh berries are nice with it if you want to dress it up a bit.

  • 3 cups flour
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon nutmeg
  • 3 cups sugar
  • 1 1/2 cups softened butter
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 cup buttermilk
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla

Preheat oven to 325*

Grease and flour (or spray) a heavy bundt pan.

Combine flour, salt, nutmeg and baking soda in a bowl and set aside.

In the bowl of a mixer, beat butter and sugar until creamy.  Add eggs, one at time, beating well after each addition.  Add 1/3 of the flour, and 1/3 of the buttermilk, mixing  just until incorporated.  Repeat 2 times, until all of the flour and buttermilk has been incorporated.  Stir in vanilla. Pour into prepared bundt pan, and place in center of oven.  Bake for 1 hour, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out mostly clean.

If you are using a light weight, dark metal, or aluminum pan, you may need to reduce bake time by 10 minutes, at least.

Jalapeno And Cheese Stuffed, Bacon Wrapped Texas BBQ Dog

Foot-Long Texas BBQ Dog

per serving:

  • 1 foot-long beef weiner
  • 1 foot-long hotdog bun
  • 3 slices thin bacon
  • 1 oz cheddar cheese stick
  • 8-12 jalapeno nacho slices (use pickle slices if you don’t like the heat)
  • 2 tablespoons BBQ sauce

With a sharp knife, cut the weiner lengthwise, going most of the way through, but not all the way through the meat.  slice the cheese into three long pieces, and place them in the slit you cut.  Place sliced jalapenos or pickles into alongside the cheese.  Carefully wrap the bacon around the stuffed weiner, going at a diagonal and gently stretching the bacon to cover the whole dog.  Use toothpicks if necessary to secure.  Fry on a griddle, or on a grill, until the bacon is crispy on all sides.  Brush with BBQ sauce and cook for 2 more minutes.  Serve on a toasted bun, with sliced onion.

Pickle-Stuffed Bacon-Wrapped Texas BBQ Dog

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Categories: BAKING, Food, humor, recipes, Texas, writing

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100 Comments on “About A Boy…A Tape Measure…And A Footlong Weenie”

  1. 2012/05/15 at 9:45 pm #

    This put quite the smile on my face. And the recipes look amazing, too!

  2. Jason ward
    2012/05/15 at 10:52 pm #

    LOL. That was hysterically funny. It is funny what we do and think when we are kids. No doubt you will have to re tell that story at his 21st Birthday party. No doubt, you will get roars of laughter from his friends.

    • 2012/05/15 at 11:01 pm #

      Yep! Specially you boys. That thing is just sticking out there..getting you in trouble your whole life. Don’t know how y’all live with those things, sometimes!

    • Jason Ward
      2012/05/15 at 11:52 pm #

      LOL. Yes there should be a warning label issued with it.

  3. 2012/05/16 at 12:02 am #

    Oh my. You made me laugh!

    • 2012/05/16 at 7:30 am #

      Thanks! I find the funniest stories happen in real life most of the time….especially with kids.

  4. 2012/05/16 at 5:20 am #

    Hilarious! and I have tons of buttermilk left over from my blackberry scones, perfect timing. You’ve got to be a great Mom, my Southern Baptist one would have freaked!

    • 2012/05/16 at 7:36 am #

      As someone who grew up in a house full of girls, boys have offered me many surprises for sure….and the weenies have been the source of most of them. I always tell them that those things are just sticking out there always getting them in mischief.

  5. 2012/05/16 at 6:30 am #

    That is so funny and so true. Boys are great fun to raise!

  6. 2012/05/16 at 7:36 am #

    We have two boys, no girls. It has been interesting though the stories I withhold. I cannot imagine that strange sounds would be unusual though as girls seem unceasingly vocal even when not verbal. Silence, from my experience is maleness. My wife complains that we do not communicate. Hmm.

    • 2012/05/16 at 7:41 am #

      Yes! Boys are very physical, and girls very verbal. My poor dad frequently had this glazed look on his face, as three girls fought over telephones, clothes, makeup, etc….also, girls are sneaky, and they lie a lot, and they hold grudges forever. Boys just beat the snot out of each other, and then they’re friends again.

  7. 2012/05/16 at 8:11 am #

    As a mother of a boy, I can so sympathize, and while Sithboy hasn’t done anything like that, there are some things that make me shake my head and ask my husband if he did that when he was a kid.

    Oh, and the recipes look scrumptious!

    • 2012/05/16 at 8:34 am #

      Yes, I always have to ask my husband if “thats normal”….is it normal for a boy to pee in a flower pot, pee his name on the sidewalk, etc..

  8. 2012/05/16 at 9:27 am #

    Poor kid….knowing that story is out there on the internet for all time. LOL

    Love the idea of the hot dogs. Gonna try that, just not with SBRs. ;)

  9. lovefoodcookfood
    2012/05/16 at 9:39 am #

    Love the two recipes. :-)

  10. Greg
    2012/05/16 at 11:28 am #

    My lovely Texana, I will neither confirm or deny anything you ask me!

  11. Greg
    2012/05/16 at 11:31 am #

    By the way, everyone, I DO NOT like to eat hot dogs. However; I will say that when they are wrapped in bacon and filled with jalapenos and cheese I can look past what a “weenie” is!

  12. 2012/05/16 at 3:14 pm #

    Awwww! Promise me you’ll whip out (no pun intended) this story when he’s in his 30′s. My mom has all kinds of embarrassing stories of things I did as a kid. She loves telling them to my friends. I once asked her to stop and she told me that she wasn’t going to because it would suck the fun out of parenthood!

    • 2012/05/16 at 4:20 pm #

      I LOVE your mom! She’s right. We do get a perverse sense of enjoyment out of embarrassing our children, especially when they are dating….

      • 2012/05/16 at 4:51 pm #

        Yeah. My mom has a very dry sense of humor! I love it though. She did have a point!

  13. 2012/05/16 at 8:05 pm #

    What a great story, and glad I stopped by to read your blog. As a mom to 3 sons I know they are certainly a strange breed (have 6 dd’s to compare with…..odd in their own female ways). After having our first 3 girls, I knew we were in for something different when he initiated me by peeing on me before I even got him to the breast. And I was soooo shocked that some of his parts were so swollen/full of fluid at birth.We had another 3 girls before having 2 boys only 16 mths apart. I knew we’d be in for a whole new experience with them in cahoots with each other. The measuring, the comparing, the stretching (doesn’t that hurt?). The physical nature of their relationship is nothing I was used to, but it is a delight to watch although sometimes disturbing and not sure if I ought to be interrupting their tussling when it starts looking ‘mean’.

    Anyways, thanks for the chuckle. Will check out more of your site in the days to come.

  14. 2012/05/17 at 3:21 pm #

    Holy Moley! Interesting lead-in to a very tasty-looking hot dog treat!

  15. 2012/05/17 at 4:36 pm #

    You’ve got me laughing so hard! I grew up with 2 sisters & only have the 1 daughter so I was really lost when years ago I coached a mixed soccer team of 7 year old’s. The girls would be out in the field picking flowers, the boys would run around the field with their hands in their pants. One game I looked around as half time was ending and I had NO boys! The girls, little finks that they are told me “oh they’re all in the porta potty. Huh? Small town here & we’ve got 1 one-seater. ALL the boys are in there? I went storming across the field, pounded on the door & sure enough 6 boys came racing out, some with their pants still down. “What are you guys doing?!!!?” “Oh coach, weretrying to see who could hit the spider up on the wall”. Sure enough… dribbles all down the wall. Not sure who won that contest.

    • 2012/05/17 at 5:20 pm #

      Hmmmm. Spider shooters. I dare not tell your story to my kids, lest they get any ideas, but that is funny.

    • 2012/05/18 at 10:56 am #

      No, no do not tell your boys about shooting things with their weiners.

  16. 2012/05/18 at 6:37 pm #

    I love it!!

  17. 2012/05/18 at 10:36 pm #

    Oh lordy! LOL Have three stair-step boys of my own…need I say more? Now they’re in their 20s. Thank God they grew up!

    • 2012/05/19 at 12:11 am #

      boys are a never-ending comedy of mischief….glad yours made it through their teen years, one of mine is close, but the other has a ways to go.

  18. 2012/05/19 at 6:12 am #

    Oh my heavens, u had me giggling up a storm! So “Somthing about Mary” …. good luck with boys! I have 2 boys and 1 girl and I get a run for my money regularly :)

  19. 2012/05/19 at 4:58 pm #

    HAHAHAA how could you not read this, with a title like that!!

    • 2012/06/17 at 8:19 pm #

      These are all so beautiful & such fun shots of them but man, that first one staels my heart! As the mom of a boy and the aunt of alllllll nephews! That first shot screams brotherly love! Amazing!

  20. 2012/05/19 at 5:09 pm #

    That is hilarious! Little boys are too much!

  21. 2012/05/19 at 10:36 pm #

    Having all sons, this made me laugh out loud! Thanks for sharing such a cute story. :)

  22. southernwild
    2012/05/20 at 9:45 am #

    Hello Texana. I wanted to stop by to welcome you to http://www.southern-wild.com and to say thank you for subscribing to my blog. I hope you enjoy your visits. Have a fabulous day! Take care… Alyssa

  23. 2012/05/20 at 12:54 pm #

    I HAVE to make that hot dog for my bf…he’ll probably send you a thank you present

  24. 2012/05/20 at 4:19 pm #

    haha! Oh my gosh.. this entry had me howling with laughter. What a day that must have been… And what a way to introduce your recipe!

    I’m glad you visited my blog so that I could check yours out too :) take care!

  25. 2012/05/20 at 4:28 pm #

    I am drooling over the pound cake picture – I will definitely make that! Also, I have to share a similar story about my little darlin’ (now 27). At his first grade parent-teacher conference, the teacher shared with me (obviously amused) that my son had shared with the class the sweet little story of his surgery as an infant to “lower his balls” – explained the whole process. (He had undescended testicles at birth.) What could I say?!

    • 2012/05/20 at 4:39 pm #

      Oh my…that’s funny. It’s great, though sometimes embarrassing that kids have no filters….

  26. 2012/05/20 at 9:10 pm #

    Mother of two sons here – I can’t stop laughing!

    • 2012/06/18 at 5:27 am #

      Carla Posted on Ok wait, so my question is: do you tell ltitle boys the girl body parts, like their own mommies body parts so they go tell the rest of their 6 year old friends what their mommies have so they come over just to look at you funny??

      • 2012/06/18 at 1:53 pm #

        We always told ours what everyone else had…My son wound up calling a girls parts her “china”….My sister and brother in law chose NOT to tell their daughters the proper names of any body parts, including their own, so they wound up calling their bits their “front butt”.

        Kids will make up words for things they don’t have words for, and sometimes that’s worse…

    • 2012/06/18 at 1:48 pm #

      Hajra – Well when my sons were six, most of their little friends had sisters! We did give them a bit of an explanation, but I’m not sure how well they understood at that age.

  27. Veens
    2012/05/20 at 10:32 pm #

    Can’t stop Giggling!! LOL! My mouth is watering again. :)

  28. 2012/05/20 at 10:33 pm #

    Hilarious story! And thank you for looking at my blog.

  29. 2012/05/21 at 5:28 am #

    Thats funny, thanks for the follow.

  30. 2012/05/21 at 6:16 am #

    Haha! I just happened to read this after I blogged about Dime-a-dog night at the local ball game tonight!! No comparison though. Great story! and Great food!

  31. 2012/05/21 at 8:12 am #

    I hope you’re planning to break this story out for any and every girl he shows an interest in. Funny story, and I can’t wait to try the pound cake!

  32. 2012/05/21 at 8:33 am #

    Wow. I’d push people down to get one of your Texas BBQ dogs!

  33. 2012/05/21 at 2:40 pm #

    Hi Texana – thanks for the follow. Just read a few posts…HILARIOUS. Can’t wait to read more!

  34. 2012/05/22 at 6:00 pm #

    The title was irresistible and the story hilarious!!! Oh, and the recipes sound delicious. ;-)

  35. 2012/05/23 at 3:00 pm #

    This is hilarious! And I thought my 2 year old girl was being cheeky constantly giggling, pointing and asking me about her noonie (yes, you guessed right).

    • 2012/05/23 at 3:53 pm #

      Noonie? That’s funny….Where did THAT come from? When she was little, my niece called that her “front butt”

      • 2012/05/24 at 2:45 pm #

        Noonie is the name we made up so it was not obvious to people here, I got it from the English mummy friends I hang out with

  36. 2012/05/23 at 7:46 pm #

    Great story! That buttermilk pound cake looks so good!

  37. 2012/05/24 at 9:02 am #

    I am still laughing, that is funny!

  38. 2012/05/25 at 12:59 am #

    I loved that, good to have a laugh first thing in the morning! Glad he was okay. I think this blog will be a bit like photos that our parents took and brought out to show people!

    The recipe looks pretty good too!

    Thank you for visiting my blog and deciding to follow. I hope you enjoy the three beautiful things I comment on each day! I shall certainly enjoy following you and your boys’ adventures and your recipes. :)

  39. 2012/05/25 at 1:07 pm #

    This was my first visit to your blog. It won’t be my last :)

  40. 2012/05/26 at 3:23 pm #

    Thank you for liking and following me … I need a cuppa and then I’m back!

  41. 2012/05/27 at 4:01 pm #

    I’m howling with laughter right now! And I think I need to try your recipe for the foot-long BBQ hot dog. Thanks for making me laugh.

  42. 2012/05/29 at 11:23 pm #

    Hilarious! Awesome post. Thanks for the great laugh! :-)

  43. 2012/05/31 at 9:27 pm #

    hilarious!

  44. 2012/06/01 at 12:09 am #

    I am full from eating a pizza and drinking beer with friends tonight, but those recipes made me drool all out the side of my mouth.

    Well done.

  45. 2012/06/03 at 1:11 am #

    Too funny! Let’s face it, the male sex is always obsessed with size. My son and stepson used to compete about everything from who could eat the most pizza to sport and girlfriends. I like the segway to the hot dog! (I don’t know if I’ve spelt segway correctly). Your recipe photos are making me hungry and it’s only mid afternoon here!

  46. 2012/06/03 at 9:45 am #

    LMAO!

  47. 2012/06/06 at 8:48 am #

    I just choked on my coffee … ROFL

    • 2012/06/06 at 11:28 am #

      Yes, I have coughed soda out my nose when telling this one before….

  48. 2012/06/08 at 7:34 am #

    I loved this, and thanks for choosing to follow me as well, we have at least two things in common, I’ve raised 3 boys and one girl (the poor thing!) and confess to being a lifelong foodies in spite of my mother who would make most self respecting food lovers abstain for life in self defense! Ha!

    • 2012/06/08 at 10:45 am #

      And, we both like to write! That was my biggest surprise as I started blogging about my competitive cooking adventures. I found that I LOVE to write almost as much, and sometimes more, than the cooking itself.

  49. 2012/06/14 at 7:23 pm #

    What a precious story. Thank you for the follow, it brought me to your delightful blog.

  50. 2012/06/14 at 8:27 pm #

    Priceless. There’s no greater source of awesome stories than parenting. Well, well written.

  51. 2012/06/14 at 8:51 pm #

    What a wonderful tale! Can’t wait for my little boy to give us such fond memories, he’s only 9 weeks old :)

  52. 2012/06/14 at 9:54 pm #

    You’re hilarious! I have a boy and a girl and although theres no measuring of bits, my daughter wanted to go potty standing up like her big brother did when she first started potty training which made for A LOT of messy floors. Kids do the earnest things!

    • 2012/06/14 at 10:52 pm #

      Oh, to be able to tinkle standing up…..would solve a lot of dirty public restroom problems….

  53. 2012/06/14 at 9:55 pm #

    *darnest

  54. theangryresident
    2012/06/14 at 10:46 pm #

    That’s hilarious. He’ll probably still be measuring well into teenhood, until he realizes it ain’t gettin’ any bigger.

  55. 2012/06/15 at 7:40 am #

    Thanks for following my blog. That story is hilarious. I have nine months old boy and I am loving the experience!

  56. 2012/06/16 at 9:42 am #

    You had me hooked with just the title. Haha! Loved this post. Glad your little lad was able to keep his boy-bits.

  57. 2012/06/16 at 11:31 am #

    I love that story! I have twin boys who have done/said some pretty funny things about their “tinkie winkie” as they used to call it! Your recipes look delicious. I have a gluten allergy so I can’t have many of the things you post, but if you come across some gluten free treats I will be on it! Thanks for following my blog as well. Yours is great:)

  58. 2012/06/23 at 8:18 am #

    I grew up with 3 sisters and went on to have 3 daughters, so when I gave birth to my 4th child – a boy – I really didn’t know what to expect! So, I fully understand your reticence to take a look at what he was doing until it became absolutely necessary. :)
    I actually felt an ‘ouch’ when I thought about what could have happened with that tape measure! But the story is so funny and so typical (I have since found out) of little boys. I love it!
    Oh yes, and I’m with cebrought on the need for a few gluten-free recipes. My hubby is coeliac and his mouth waters at so many of the recipes you have posted, so something to satisfy his need to eat something that looks delicious and tastes delicious would be great :)

  59. 2012/06/23 at 9:21 pm #

    Okay, I’m hooked. I don’t have kitchen privileges but maybe I can get my S.O. (significant other) to let me suggest something, someday. Thanks for the laugh.

    • 2012/06/23 at 9:57 pm #

      Greg doesn’t have kitchen privileges either…I need to loosen up on that, I guess….

  60. 2012/06/23 at 11:19 pm #

    Based on the deliciousness of the foods on these pages, I could see it weighing 3 pounds some day. I can’t believe your mother gave your boys tool boxes. If my son had a toolbox when he was young my house would literally be in pieces! As it was he broke his unbreakable Tonka truck.

  61. 2012/06/24 at 2:00 am #

    lol aw bless him, good job you went over when you did, raising a boy, this is my first, is certainly an education in the male brain :) Thankyou for following my newborn blog, loving yours. will be back :)

  62. 2012/06/26 at 9:28 am #

    The little head is a big deal indeed. Thanks for following my blog — yours is fun!

  63. 2012/06/26 at 9:52 pm #

    I love love love your blog. It’s vibrant, funny, has great stories and real recipes. I’m new at this but I’m going to learn a lot from what you have done here. Thanks for sharing.

  64. 2012/07/02 at 10:41 pm #

    Thanks for following my blog. I decided to check yours out & this is the first post I read. I’m laughing out loud & obviously, I’ll be reading more!

  65. 2012/07/10 at 12:21 am #

    Thanks for letting me camp out in your blog for a little while today. I had a great time and tried to leave my campsite as good as when I arrived. I’ll be back!

  66. 2012/07/14 at 12:56 am #

    Wow…you realize, of course, that one day the boy will hate you for posting this!! After he’s done laughing as hard as I did of course!

    • 2012/07/14 at 11:53 am #

      Yes, he was not pleased that I posted it…but he’ll recover. :)

  67. cookingactress
    2012/07/31 at 6:26 am #

    O_O…and this is why I’m terrified of having boys!

  68. 2012/08/18 at 12:53 pm #

    :)))))))

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